Hair

February 28, 2011

With each day that passes I have started to feel more and more like myself. The only hard part is when I walk past a mirror and see this darn bald head; I almost forget how different I look and then I catch that reflection. When I first lost all my hair I didn’t want to be seen with my head not covered. If I didn’t have on a wig, hat, or scarf I had a hat close by incase someone came to the door. It was almost like a feeling of being naked or something strange like that. As time has gone by it has became less of a problem, I really don’t care who see’s my head bald now. The Fed X guy came to the door the other day and I forgot my head was uncovered and he had a look of shock on his face when I opened the door, I guess I did feel a little sorry for him.

So now I have gone from baby bald eagle fuzz to whiskers on my head, really it feels like some guy that hasn’t shaved in awhile. It’s kind of like five o’clock shadow on my head and it’s itchy. It’s made it hard to wear a wig because you know how I feel about itchy stuff, so hats are my choice, or nothing at all is even better. I don’t have it in me to go out in public with my bald head hanging out, although it would be quite the conversation piece but I don’t think I’m up for that much conversation.

I’ve been told my hair might grow in a different color, or even curly, I just hope it comes back soon!

Spring Flowers

Two down twenty eight to go, thirty radiation treatments to finish this part of treatment and I’m on my way. Radiation seems like it will be a piece of cake compared to chemo but I just can’t relax just yet. As I have said before side effects from radiation don’t start until about the third week and some have them and some don’t. I hate to be negative but I have had so many things go against me it’s really hard to relax. For now I’m just happy that the treatment doesn’t make me sick and it doesn’t hurt in fact I don’t feel anything at all, I can even drive myself to and from my appointment, except for today, I don’t like to drive in the snow.

Not to wish the days away but spring time is just around the corner and I’m so looking forward to warmer days, more day light hours and some flowers growing in my yard. I used to get mad when the store put the next holidays stuff out so soon but the other day I saw Easter candy and it gave me a happy feeling. I know I can’t forget a time in my life but this last fall and winter is one I would like to and to be honest while going through chemo I don’t remember a lot of it anyway, so I’ll go with that.

The Monster

February 18, 2011

As my break from the doctors ended today I was hurried back into the world of treatment. The week away from it all was nice but I’m happy to get things started and on the way to being finished with this part of my journey. I started my day out with the chiropractor, it’s my favorite doctor of all, not only do I feel much better after a much needed adjustment I love to see him and the staff. I have been one of their friends and patients for almost twenty years, his wife works at the front counter and the office lady is one of my church family, I not only feel better physically but spiritually after visiting them.

Next stop was the clinic to see the lady that pokes my finger to check to see if my blood is thin enough. Only one more week of having to do this and then I should be safe from the blood clot that I ended up with almost a month ago. This was sure a bump in the road!

Then I was off to the hospital to see the radiology nurse, this is a time to fill out paper work, to see if I have any complaints and to let me know what to do and not to do. It seems like a lot to take in and it makes me tired. When she was finished with me she gave me a tour of what my daily routine would look like.

Soon I found myself in a room with a thin table that looked like the opposite of a gynecologist exam table? Instead of stirrups for your legs it had what looked like stirrups for your arms. So what they wanted me to do was to lay down with my arms above my head, ok this would be easy, not so, having your arms extended in this position for very long is really uncomfortable.
Today was like a rehearsal of the days to come, only difference was instead of radiation today the big machine above my head would just take pictures, this is part of the planning for treatment.

I always try to take myself to a happy place when I’m in a position like this but today was different, I couldn’t help but look at the machine like a monster with big red eyes. So I quickly decided it was a friendly monster because this was one I would have to visit daily for the next six weeks.

Blessings

February 15, 2011

I was thinking today that something was wrong but what was it? It seemed to stay with me the entire day; the more I tried to figure the feeling out the more it bothered me. I can remember when I first started my treatment talking with another who was fighting the fight and her mention of depression. Now depression is something very foreign to me, I have never thought of myself as one who suffers from depression.

I think back to when I was first diagnosed and the journey I have taken with so little control over what was coming next. So one would think that it would get easier but this is where I have had to call on my faith. I have to remember that my God given faith is all I have that will always be with me and will always stay the same.

I have had many surprises along the way, from having to have my surgery repeated, the bad reactions to chemo and the blood clots and infections. Had I known what I would have had to face during this journey I would have said, I can’t do that, but I have and with every day that passes I am getting closer to being myself again.

The last thing I would want now is to let depression have a part in my journey, not to down play the fact that this is very real and many going through treatment that have never had to deal with depression now have to face this too. Never knowing how I will feel from day to day stinks but I know that in time this too will pass.

So for me I believe, I’m too blessed to be depressed!

Happy Valentines Day

February 14, 2011

Valentine’s Day and my living room is filled with the smell of roses! Brian and I had our Valentines dinner on Friday night so we wouldn’t have to fight the crowds tonight and I’m happy we did because the weather is so stormy, it looks like a good night to stay in.

Have a Delightful Valentines Day!

I wrote your name in the sky but the wind blew it away.
I wrote your name in the sand but the waves washed it away.
I wrote your name in my heart and forever it will stay.

Happy Weekend

February 11, 2011

The last two days have been spent getting all the stuff in place to start radiation. Yesterday I saw the doctor and he explained just how this would work for me and then today I had a CT scan and some little tattoo markers put into place. It wasn’t too bad just having to go through the unknown and not knowing what to expect is the hard part. With this phase complete they will start a plan for my treatment, so now I don’t have to go back until next Friday for more planning and then the treatments will start the following week. I will have thirty radiation treatments in all.

With that being said now I have an entire week without having to see a doctor, how cool is that! It seems like I have been in a doctor’s office for some reason or other for months. This is the break I have been waiting for, who would have thought that not having to go to the doctor would be such an exciting thing, crazy! So the weekend is here and I’m busy making plans for things I want to do, now let’s just hope I can find the energy to do all the stuff I have in my head. I’m sure going to try and what a bonus Monday is Valentine’s Day, one of my favorite holidays!

I’ve always wanted to learn how to live in the moment and now it just happens naturally, so I hope you too can have a happy weekend!

Time for Some Radiation

February 9, 2011

Wouldn’t you know it, just about the time I’m starting to feel really good and getting my energy back, it’s time to take the next step. Tomorrow I see my Radiologist for the first time to set up my treatment plan. I’ve been busy on the internet gathering information on what to expect. I guess everyone is different and so my experience is sure to be my very own. I’ve been told a little about what will happen from the doctor and nurses but it seems like they never tell you everything so I have learned to expect just about anything.

From what I understand I will have to have some scans before hand to let them know just how to give the radiation and then some little tattoos that will be the marks they use with each treatment. Once they start with the plan I will have to go Monday thru Friday and I will get to rest on the weekends, this will last for six weeks. I have been told that the side effects are fatigue and burns on the skin, kind of like a sun burn.

My daughter ask me today if I was scared and I told her I’m really not, I’m just ready to get it going and have it all behind me.

Chemo Brain

For many years cancer survivors have worried about, joked about, and been frustrated with the mental cloudiness they notice during, and after chemotherapy. Even though its exact cause isn't always known, this mental fog is commonly called "chemo brain." Patients have been aware of chemo brain for some time, but only recently have studies been done that could start to explain it. Stress, Low blood counts, Sleep problems, Infection, Depression, Tiredness (fatigue), Hormone changes or hormone treatments, Anxiety or other emotional distress. Most of these cause short-term problems, and get better as the underlying problem is treated or goes away.
So when I started reading about chemo brain it was well, kind of scary, no one wants to think that your brain may not be as sharp. When I was diagnosed back in September I had just registered for my last quarter of school. I had started attending GRCC the winter quarter of 2008/2009 when I discovered the world had been passing me by while I had worked for twenty plus years at an outdated company. I had my doubts when I started school and had to put everything I had into learning again, but I did it and was embracing the opportunity. I realized two weeks into my last quarter, after missing classes for appointments that school would have to be put on hold.
It has recently been brought to my attention that some of my blogs have some typos and other mistakes, some are even quite funny. After reading some of them over and over again I don’t see the mistakes until they are brought to my attention. Now I will be the first to admit that spelling is my biggest down fall and I have never been a writer by any means. When I started this blog it made life so much easier. I would get several calls a day from my caring family and friends wanting to know how I was doing or what was next. I found myself telling the same story several times a day, with the blog I could talk about my day and anyone that wanted to know would be up to date. (Don’t get me wrong I still love the phone calls and visitors).
I’m looking forward to finishing school and really thought I would be back by now but have decided to take it slow and not try to rush things. I’m not sure about the chemo brain but I think for now I’ll go with it.

The Super Bowl Party

February 7, 2011

Aw, the day we have all been waiting for, the big game. My family is so into football, me not so much. Rachel my middle daughter is married to an Auburn High School football coach and they eat sleep and breathe football. Christian their oldest played all through high school so we did Friday night lights every week. Now that Chris has graduated there are still plenty of reasons to attend the game. Amy and Jake's two girls are cheerleaders at the high school, Lindsay’s been on the squad for three years and this is Megan first year. During half time we watch Jeff their oldest son perform with the marching band and the youngest Zack works hard throughout the entire game as the ball boy. Rachel and Paul’s youngest son Levi played for his middle school this year and so did Zack. There youngest Madison cheered for the Auburn Little League for a couple years, so I guess you can see where my love for foot ball is, just bragging a little
As for the Super Bowl it’s a good excuse to have a party and my favorite the new commercials. I do like watching football when the Seahawks are playing and I do believe in them maybe a little more than I should but I guess that’s OK too.
My youngest grandson Zack was really amazed at how quickly my hair had grown back. I wish hair grew that fast and I was more than happy to take the itchy wig off and let everyone see what they would look like as a blond.

I'm Not Alone

Today I made the decision that I would not sleep the day away, first things first, so I went for a bike ride. I have been told the more I exercise the more energy I will have. I’m not sure how that works but it does. I made it five hours before it was nap time and I felt like I could have sleep the day away again but quickly made the decision to not let it happen, so I made a plan to go to the mall. I’m a little uneasy about going out alone but thought it was time. I love going to the mall with the kids but when I want to do some serious shopping I like to go alone.
On my way I stopped at a convenient store for bottled water, not feeling very confident in my wig, I ask the clerk if she could tell I was wearing one. She assured me that she wouldn’t have known. I don’t remember how the rest of the conversation went but I remember her words when she started to cry and said she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She turned around to show me her long hair and said, look at my hair. I didn’t know what to say to her, I wasn’t prepared. It seemed like the words just came, I tried to reassure her that she would be ok and hair grows back but I could just remember how scary it all is at the beginning. I could only let her know that I was ok and she would be too. What I wanted to do but knew I couldn’t was to cry with her, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing to this poor woman but I couldn’t help having some pretty scary flash backs to the last few months. She had to get to work with other customers and I wished her luck and was on my way. I will stop in again to chat with her and remember her in my prayers. I lasted at the mall for almost an hour and was happy I ventured out.

Rip Van Winkle

February 4, 2011

I bet you can almost guess what I’ve been up to, if you guessed sleeping your absolutely right! I have missed my favorite TV shows, dinners, visitors and more. No one seems to know why I am requiring so much sleep but it seems to be getting better. I started making myself get up and ride my exercise bike, it takes everything I have to peddle that bike but I just push myself. O’My, to feel normal again, but then what is normal anyway, and thank God that when I awake from my sleep I don’t have a long white beard!

Dreamer

February 2, 2011

I have had a hard time sleeping throughout the entire time that I have been in treatment, just the mixture of medicine and steroids really messed with me. Some days I was up and going at 4:00 am and had only been asleep for a few hours. I didn’t like my sleeping pattern and I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but who would have thought this would happen.

It all started on Monday this week, I started feeling better, my body fighting hard this time back from the chemo chemicals. My white blood count was slow this time, almost three weeks later and they are still very low. I think with each treatment my body had a bit of a tougher time fighting back. Not to mention I have had to deal with the blood thinners and putting the shots in my tummy every day but good news came today, when my lab test came back, the numbers are where they wanted them and the shots are no longer part of my daily tasks, Yea! No more shots!
So back to sleeping, all I have done is sleep! I can’t stay awake? I’m not sure if I’m detoxifying or if I’m finally just tired and it time to catch up on all the lost sleep. It feels really good to sleep and to finally have a clear enough mind that I have began to dream again, I hate not dreaming, it makes me feel empty. I feel like I have slept the week away but I guess if this is the road to recovery, I’ll take it.