A Second Opinion

The New Year had arrived and I had been busy on the internet chatting with others in my shoes. A new friend had left a message for me on my wall and had been going through the same chemo treatment as myself. In the beginning I thought she had found me by accident but I soon figured out it was a God thing. She had just finished her chemo on December 2nd and had some of the same experiences. I was so excited to hear her say she changed oncologist during her chemo treatments. I to had made an appointment to talk with another doctor but was nervous about making the change or if it could even be done. She had assured me that it had been the right thing for her, so I felt confident. Something she said made so much sense. Her doctor had been so caught up in treating the cancer, but he forgot to treat his patient. I liked that and I was going with it!

Happy New Year!

December 31st Happy New Year, my daughters put the celebration together for the New Year, God Bless them and again we went to my daughters house. We had dinner, played games and visited it was nice but I never made it to the midnight celebration, I was just too pooped out. My husband had to work and wouldn’t be home for another hour or so but I didn’t feel alone. I talked to God that night and ask for a better year and thanked him for all of my blessings and just remembered all the things that I was truly thankful for and they are many.

Hand and Foot Symdrom

December 23, 2010 Christmas had been moved from my house to my daughter house this year, and I’m strange like that but it’s hard for me to break traditions. I have to say it only bothered me for a short minute, I had nothing in me this Christmas, and I was drained. I had been told to not read so much stuff on the internet but it’s the only place I was getting any information and I quickly found out there was another world of people out there just like myself living this same story. I found others with this hand and foot thing going on, they had different creams and lotions they had suggested to apply and at least some answers to questions to make it more bearable. My hands pealed so badly that I had to wear gloves with lotions packed on them, and they were numb, my feet were also numb but never pealed. It seemed never ending, they pealed the entire next week and by New Years I could hardly use my hands.

Chemo, Round Two

December 22, 2010 yea, chemo day, not really! Time to do this again, really I was kind of excited, after today I would be at the half way mark! I was ready to get it done and after my treatment I had an appointment with the doctor. I had my little pad with questions ready. All the things that I could think of I had written down, not to mention some natural things I wanted to take to see if I might feel better during my chemo treatment.
And then there she was, the same chemo nurse as last time. When she saw the mark on my arm she asks who my last nurse had been. Mmm, It was you, she went to get another nurse to look at my arm, the new nurse proceeded to say, “she needs a port” I never let on that I knew it was because of her placement, no need to make someone feel bad about their work, but boy was she careful this time. I wasn’t treated very nicely by the chemo nurses that day. I had read on the internet that if I ate ice chips while I was receiving the chemo it would help with the mouth sores. When I ask for the ice chips they proceeded to tell me they didn’t have any. Well the last time I was here you gave me ice water and it had ice chips in it. I was then told my nurse was a floating nurse and just didn’t know where to get them. OK! When I ask for a second cup of ice she just ignored me, when I ask again, another nurse delivered. Now I may sound like I’m being winey but, I am being winey! But the good news was, the ice chips worked, I ended up with just a couple mouth sores the second time around.
Then it was time to see the oncologist himself. He walked in wearing his designer suit as usually, that might not sound very nice of me, but where was his white jacket? He always had on some fancy suit! And why not, once I saw the first chemo bill he can afford to wear designer suits!
My husband and daughter were siting in the room with me and this doctor was very happy, he was on his way to Palm Desert for the holiday and I was his last patient before he was out of there. I’m not sure he answered one of my questions that day, he had a good laugh with my husband about the organic remedy I had presented and made a rude remark about my weight to my family as if I wasn’t there. ( I wanted to give him some steroids and see how his life went). I did need to know why my hands and feet were going numb, my hands were so painful and had started to peal from the finger tip down. He simply answered; it’s too soon for that to be happening? But it was?

Pre Chemo Blood Work

December 20, 2010 was the day to have blood work done to make sure my blood counts were high enough for my second chemo treatment that was to take place on December 22nd,I know just in time for Christmas. Why couldn’t they do my treatment after the Christmas holiday, I would later find out.
After visiting the lab I asked to see the chemo nurse to show her the hives that I had been battling. She took one look at the hives and the still very red infusion mark from my first chemo trip and went to fetch the doctor, the real one not an on call one, oh my.
The lady in the lab had confirmed my information that I had found on the internet about the cause of my infection and said they didn’t like patients knowing stuff like that. Well why not were all human and we all make mistakes.
The doctor quickly rushed in and out and then in again with his prescription for prednisone, great more steroids, this is the one that makes you really fat, I had read all about this one too. Hives and breathing problems associated with them can be very dangerous so I had no choice but to start the unwanted regiment. Ug. He looked at the still red mark on my arm and suggested we have a port surgically put in. Why? With only three more treatments to go and three more days before Christmas? I suggested we try one more time the old fashion way and if another infection happens then I would agree to the port. I felt proud of myself, I finally had spoke up and he agreed with me for once.

"Annie"

December 18, I couldn’t wait, I was feeling good and My middle daughter and two of her children were performing in the on stage production of “Annie” we all pack up and went out to enjoy the evening. When we arrived I was able to get a close parking spot but was just a little disturbed when walking to the theater made me so short of breath. Now why was this happening? Maybe I was just too excited I would blame it on that.
The production was more than I had hoped for; I had even worn one of my wigs, now that the rest of my hair was gone, and it did feel itchy? Half way through the play my skin felt hot and prickly, I could hardly wait to get home and get these cloths off my skin, I felt like I had a painful sunburn.
When I got in the house and took the wig off my head I could see what was happening, I was covered with hives. Not again! It’s the weekend, not the on call doctor! I was too tired to deal with him or her who every it might be. I took a couple Benadryl and went to bed. I woke often through the night with itchy skin and would take more of the Benadryl, at one point I had to take all my jewelry off which told me my hands were swelling. I lived on the Benadryl the rest of the weekend and just hoped I could sleep the hives away?

Shopping !

December 15 I woke feeling half human, I needed to seize the day, I wasn’t sure how long this feeling was going to last and maybe just maybe I could do just a little Christmas shopping. I decided I would spend just a little of the energy on getting ready and that’s not hard when you haven’t any hair to fix. So with my makeup on and a hat on my head off I went. It wasn’t too bad, driving my car the fresh air and finally the shopping. I lasted almost two hours before I hit a wall it was all I could do to get home. I collapsed on the couch but felt good to have been able to go out. The next day was much the same, I did it all again and even lasted a bit longer this time. I could do this!

The Emergency Room

The next day I noticed the red spot on my arm had started to get larger and seemed to be moving up my arm. I called my daughter and ask her to come over and take a look, we decided if it were to get any bigger we would call the on call doctor again because of course it was the weekend again. The next day the red mark had moved half way up my arm, this thing was two inches wide and about four or more inches long, it was bright red by now and was starting to blister, what was this?
My doctor worked out of Gig Harbor which can be quite a little drive and so the on call doctor said to just go to my local emergency room, sounded like a little infection that would do fine with antibiotics.
The emergency room was filled with sick people, not where I wanted to be. I had my mask on and still didn’t feel comfortable; I request a room right away and explained the chemo. Nothing they could do for me they were busy, I’m happy it was a nice night out we waited outside until they could find me a room.
The emergency room doctor seemed at a loss, he explained that he really hadn’t seem chemo patients and didn’t know what we had going on. I gave him the doctor on calls number and he worked with him. They soon had an IV in place and stated an antibiotic. In the week that fallowed I learned that the nurse that had placed the IV needle in my arm had not done it correctly and the chemo chemicals had burned my skin and caused an infection.

To The Wig Shop

I had talked with a friendly lady at a wig shop just in case I might possible need to purchase one. The thought of wearing a wig didn’t appeal to me at all, it seemed it would be itchy and uncomfortable, and could you imagine the wind blowing it to the side or maybe completely off your head. It just felt like people would know it wasn’t real. So I made an appointment to visit her shop on Friday December 10. My daughter and I were going wig shopping, not my idea of a shopping trip but then this was the first time in a long time I didn’t feel like any shopping trip at all. Christmas shopping should have been on my agenda, but this year looked like a lot of gift cards to me.
So the doctor had written me a prescription for a cranial prostheses, I guess this is another name for a wig. I had been instructed to never call it a wig to the insurance company, that would make it cosmetic and as we all know insurance companies just don’t pay for cosmetic stuff.
I wish I had felt better shopping for wigs but I did find four that I took home that day. Yes 4, the girl that didn’t want any bought a shoulder length, a shaggy one, and then a short one and of all things a long straight pink one. Don’t ask me why it was pretty and pink and you know how I feel about pink now that it’s ok and I have accepted my breast cancer. I actually wore one home that day, it was the longest one that looked most like my hair before I had to cut it. I acted really strong the day I cut my hair, I told everyone it was just hair, but I was screaming inside, it had taken me forever to grow, I loved how it felt on my back and the way I could where an up do, I was really going to miss it.

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

Happy Monday, December 6, 2010! How can I begin to describe how I felt today? I can’t! I think it would be like the worse hang over times ten. The mouth sores that now covered my mouth and throat made it almost what seemed imposable to swallow. I looked through the folder the chemo nurse had hurried through and found a page on salt water rinse, it worked a little. The next few days were not much better, a lot of sleeping for short spans that seemed longer then they were and being awake not being able to move. I had noticed a small red mark where the needle had been placed for the chemo treatment. No one had said this would happen, but I think I could remember stuff like that from the cancer type movies; it should start to heal by tomorrow. I had cut my hair short before the first treatment but I had not shaved it like the doctor had suggested. I was going to wait; maybe just maybe I would be one of the few that wouldn’t lose my hair?

Day Three, Crash Day

Crash day comes on the third day after the chemo treatment. I thought he said after a couple days I would be doing well, Not so. I had my shower got dressed and looked in the mirror. My face was covered with hives, what was this all about. I called the on call Doctor because of course it was Sunday. She prescribed steroids for another day and the hive seemed to get better. By the next day the mouth sores had started and seemed to get worse as the day went on. Seems the fast growing cells in my body were all being destroyed good and bad. My stomach began to swell and my skin was so tight and dry lotion wouldn’t begin to penetrate it. So fast growing cells, this gets so strange. In the process of these chemicals killing my cancer they would also kill my white blood cell that would make my hair fall out, and keep me from getting infections, not to mention my skin, intestines, mouth and throat.

The Chemo Cocktail

December 3, 2010 was the first week of chemo and I only had 12 weeks of treatment, some have much more, so I was feeling really blessed. I didn't even have to have a port surgically implanted because I would only have 4 treatments over the course of the twelve weeks and my veins would be fine. Everything went well, they started the chemo cocktail out slow to make sure I would have no allergic reactions, so the first treatment took almost 4 hours. Feeling tired but otherwise OK, we made our way home. The medications were endless and hard to keep track of, when do I take this one and when do I take that one. I soon figured it all out. The first 2 days I spent a lot of time sleeping and waking to a feeling of energy but too ill to do anything. Seems the steroids that are pumped into you the day of chemo and the two days after make you feel up then down, and I wanted to eat everything in sight and then be really sick to my stomach and then take some nausea pills.

I Wasn't Afraid

It had all happened so fast, I wasn’t afraid, the doctor had told my husband and me that I would feel crappy for the first couple days and then I could go to work or school and do just fine. So all that stuff I had seen in the movies was from the past. Chemo side effects can all be controlled now. He also said my hair would fall out so just shave it now, and when I ask why some stories I had read from other breast cancer patients said they had gained weight, he said no weight gain.

You Do Get To Do Chemo!

So on December 1st I met my oncologist, the guy who decides if you get chemotherapy. He wasn’t shy and kind of just blurted out, you need chemo. What? Why? I didn’t expect that? Because the tumor was 2.4cm he would call it a stage 2 instead of stage 1 that I had originally been told. Only tumors fewer than 2cm can be stage 1. Now this is where he got me, he explained that the tumor was a fast growing tumor. They give them a score from 1 to 3 in 3 different categories. Mine was a 3 in all three categories. It happened so fast, he sent me to the lab, made me an appointment himself and brought the sticky note to me personally while I was getting my labs done. December 2nd Chemo Teach, this is when a Chemo nurse tells you all about what will happen and give you tons of prescriptions to get ready before your treatment. December 3rd at 9:00 would be my first Chemo treatment

I Don't Need Chemo, I thought?

I saw my surgeon on November 29th and he said everything looked good and now it was time for me to see the oncologist. Now why do I need to seed him? No cancer in my lymph nodes, no spread 2.4cm tumor removed. Positive for estrogen and progesterone so I just need to take a pill that would block the hormomes, so I had been told. I had none of that Her2 stuff or other hereditary stuff. I had been told radiation would have to be done. I wasn’t looking forward to that. Six weeks, five days a week to get hit with radiation? I read and read some more and it seems they have came along way with this stuff so it looked pretty easy. So what I needed was to see the oncologist and have him say, “You don’t need chemo” but here is you prescription to see a radiologist.

The Water Ballon Night Out

The fallowing Friday my husband’s band was playing at a local club so my daughter and I decided to get me out for a bit. While I was getting ready to go I kept hearing a water sound, how can I explain it, kind of like a water balloon? It took me all night to figure out that my boob was filling up with water. What a weird thing? I guess sometimes this happens because your body doesn’t know what to do with the empty space. They said my body would absorb it, and it did.

One More Time

I saw my doctor three days later for a follow up and he then informed me that the margins around the tumor weren’t clean enough and we would have to do surgery again on November 18th. Well I guess we want to make sure it’s all gone. So we did it again and made sure to get all of it! My surgeon then left on vacation, I would see him ten days later.

Surgery Day, November 2, 2010

My son in law went with me to the new place to receive the Breast MRI; he had to take me two times. Seems I have a bit of claustrophobia and the first time I panicked when they tried to put me in the machine. Maybe that surgeon was right and I do have high anxiety.
The other spots turned out to be fibroids cyst, I knew they were in there somewhere. So now with just one lump to deal with, surgery was scheduled once again. November 2nd would be the day.
November 2nd at 1:30 pm, why would anyone want surgery at that time? You have to wait in anticipation, you can’t eat. Oh well I had gained 15 pounds sense the day I had found the lump, maybe I thought I could eat it away. I still think when I was little my mom would give me a cookie when I was hurt and so maybe that was my reasoning.
Before the surgery they did several injections into my breast of Indigo Blue dye. This would travel to my lymph nodes so the doctor could remove the sentinel nodes, these nodes are kind of like the gate keeper of the lymph nodes. If these nodes had no cancer then this would mean the cancer hadn’t spread, and that’s a good thing.
St Anthony’s Hospital in Gig Harbor rocks, these people were so good to me. My surgery that I had worried over had gone great and I was very pleased. A kind nurse that was with me when I woke let me know my lymph nodes were clean, I don’t know if she was suppose to but she did and I was glad.

October Breast Cancer Awarness Month

It was October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and everything was pink, there were pink ribbons everywhere. Everywhere I went it was in my face. Soon I started receiving gifts with the pink ribbon on them and soon I had accepted the fact that I had Breast Cancer!
They scheduled my surgery for the 19 of October, that’s my birthday; I guess it would be a gift to get this lump out of my breast. A few days before the surgery the Surgeon called to confirm that I would have a lumpectomy and not a mastectomy and to also tell me that he would like to delay my surgery and get a Breast MRI. It seems that the ultrasound had shown another lump close to the bad one and a couple more in the other breast. At this point I was just going through the motions.

The Doctor Called, You Have Cancer

When I walked in the door from school that afternoon my home phone was ringing and my heart feel into my stomach, it was him. He proceeded to tell me that I had IDC or invasive doctoral carcinoma. I didn’t know what it meant, but it didn’t sound good. I proceeded to ask him if he could still help me, it angered him and he said, “This is why I don’t like to do this on the phone” can you come to my office. I told him I was on my way.
My daughter came home from work and went with me; I thought another set of ears would be good.
When we arrived at his office my heart was beating so fast there was nothing I could do to calm it. He explained the report and seemed very frustrated and short with me, I began to wonder had I found the right surgeon for myself. He later told me he felt I wasn’t accepting what he was telling me; maybe I didn’t want to accept what he was saying. I ask a lot of questions that seemed to be a waste of his time. He told me to talk to my regular MD about my anxiety levels maybe he could give me something. I’m not sure about anyone else but I was full of anxiety and it hurt.

The Waiting Game

I had been referred to a surgeon in Gig Harbor who was suggested to me by my MD, It didn’t matter how far I had to drive as long as I could communicate with this guy and he would be straight up with me.
The day of the biopsy was scary, he first numbed my breast before he inserted an instrument about the size of a pencil, it made a clicking sound as it took pieces of the tumor to send to pathology. They sent the tissue to pathology on Thursday and told me the results would be back on Monday. What! You can put a man on the moon but I have to wait all weekend to know my results????
The weekend was long; I surrounded myself with my family and tried to pretend I was confident. I knew it was in God’s hands and whatever the outcome was he had a plan for me.
When I made the call on Monday morning I was between classes, I could not make myself concentrate on my work and was becoming more and more frustrated. Of course the receptionist said they will call you back. I waited all day; the call never came, so just before closing time I tried again. Ok by now they had decided I was a nut case that had zero patients and wanted my test results. Then I heard the dreaded words, “we don’t have the results back yet, we will call you tomorrow.” Are you kidding me! I believe I drank some wine that night, in fact, I think I drank a lot of wine that night.
The next morning I decided not to call them, no news is good news right. I kept my phone on at school all day and never received a call; surely they must have the result by now?

Another Mammogram

The first day of the new quarter of school had arrived and I knew it was going to be a tuff and exciting quarter, this was the last of my classes and then I could be on my way to starting a new chapter in my life. Who would have thought at 55 years old I would be starting a new career.
After getting my books and attending my classes I hurried to my appointment at the Breast Center. I hated going to that place, it always gave me such an uneasy feeling but today I was alright, I had some kind of confidence that it was just a cyst.
After the mammogram they placed me in room for an ultrasound, I had been through this one before. This time it was different, the doctor acted like he had found something, it angered me. I wanted to say you didn’t find anything bucko, I found it, quit being so proud of yourself. What he did next was alarming, when he started running the ultrasound instrument into my armpit and up my arm, I knew what he was looking for. He was looking at my lymph nodes to see if I had cancer that had spread, and I knew that’s what he was doing. I ask what he was looking at and he gave me very little information, and I knew he was very certain he had found cancer.
I still refused to believe it. The next step was to have a biopsy and then I would know for certain just what this lump was?

Road Trip To Vegas

We hit the road on Friday morning, off to Vegas at last. I was happy but had that lump in the back of my mind, I would try to put it aside and not let it put a damper on our trip.
We had a blast, shopped, saw a show, gambled a little, and ate way too much. I managed to keep the lump out of my mind but at night when I was alone it was there and I would try to tell myself it was going away. I spent a lot of time on my knees talking to God in that lonely hotel room and it’s a time I will never forget.
Soon we were on our way home and my sister and daughter started asking me if the lump was still there, “yes” I would say, “but it’s definitely getting smaller.” So I knew that was a good thing.

Labor Day 2010

In the early morning hours of September 5th labor day 2010, something woke me. I looked at my watch and thought to myself, why am I awake? I decided to do some stretches before hoping out of bed, as my hands went above my head and then down to my sides I brushed my hands along the sides of my breast. What the hell was that? I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, I could feel panic setting in, what is this, what is this. I threw off my night shirt and stood looking at my breast in the mirror. My right breast had a lump that I could see poking out the side, where did it come from, why hadn’t I noticed it yesterday? It wasn’t painful, just a big hard lump! It was a holiday and the Breast Center was closed.
I lay on my living room couch for the next hour feeling the lump under my fingers, what was this? It was something different than I had ever felt before, not one of the familiar lumps or fibroids that I had felt in the past. So after a few Google searches on breast lumps I had decided it was just a cyst. I avoided any link that wanted to talk about breast cancer, it was definitely not that! I was sure it was just caused by the bio identical hormones I had been taking to keep the hot flashes at bay and they were all natural so this cyst was just some fluid buildup. I did decide to stop taking the natural hormones at that very moment.
I couldn’t sleep very well that night in anticipation of the call to the breast center the next day. I was up early and waiting for someone to pick up the phone and tell me to come right in for a mammogram. To my surprise when the woman answered the phone and I explained my findings to her, she didn’t at all seem urgent.” My computer says you haven’t been here since 2006 Mary.”We’ll have to get your records from the warehouse and have a doctor on duty for your appointment because you do have a lump. We can see you on Monday next week. I paused, “you mean we can wait that long” sure, it’s probable nothing, 80% of these things are nothing. Boy, was that a relief, so what about my trip to Vegas? She said to go ahead and go and come in on the 21st when I returned. So that’s what I would do

Time for some R & R

Spring was on us and the thought of summer was truly sweet. Summer quarter was short and then a much needed break from school would fallow, I looked forward to this!
In September there was a big trade show that my sister would work in Las Vegas. We would make it a road trip; I think its part of hanging onto our childhood, we took a road trip every summer as children. This year was different, she had lost her job and was going to job seek instead of working. Just when I had decided not to go my daughter and her husband said they would like to go along this year, so the plan was on. We would do our road trip to Vegas after all. We would leave on September 11 and get back on September 20th just one day before the new quarter at school would begin.

Talking With God

Some nights as I lay in bed talking to God I would be reminded that I hadn’t had my routine checkups. I worried that I hadn’t taken time for myself to have a colonoscopy, a pap test, let alone another mammogram. I would deal with it all later; I needed to figure out what it was I was going to do now. My office skills were so outdated, who was going to hire this 50 something woman with these old skills not to mention a bad knee and bonk back. So the decision was made, off to school I went. It would take two years to get a legal assistant degree and this would be a wide open field by the time I finished. I tore into the work that consumed me. Trying to learn this new stuff after doing the same thing for so many years would prove to be tougher than I first thought, but I was doing it. It took everything I had.
By now my husband was living in his own little world of working two jobs, playing in his band and taking care of his elderly parents. I didn’t see him much and hoped our relationship could make it through another bump in the road. Soon he had to place his father with severe dementia in an assisted living home leaving his mother alone. At that point he pretty much moved in with his mom and just came home on Sundays when his brother could give him a break. It was really Ok, we have to take care of our parents, it made me wish I had spent more time with my mom instead of spending so much time at that stupid job.
In February of 2010 on a Monday morning my husband’s cell phone started ringing. The woman on the other end of the phone explained to him that his father had passed away in his sleep during the night and they needed him to come and make arrangements. Just one month later in March his mother would follow and take up her place in heaven also. The year had hardly started and it seemed we were in for quite the ride.