Purse's

January 31, 2011

As I continue to fight this darn cold and I can feel a fog starting to lift, I had a long weekend pretty much alone just me and my box of Kleenex. Now that my nose is starting to dry up and my head is starting to clear from the last chemo treatment, I find myself puttering around the house more than I have in months. Funny how things have stayed just the way I left them, things like my shoes makeup and purses. I love my shoes and purses, I get teased about them but when I was not feeling well they didn’t matter much. I used to change my purse every day to match my shoes or the outfit that I was wearing, it was something I liked and was important to me.
I noticed that the same purse I had taken to surgery back in November was the same purse I had today. I’m not sure how I feel about it, in a way it was kind of freeing but then again it was like I had lost a part of who I was. I quickly cleaned out my purse and changed to a black purse that would match most everything because I still just don’t have the energy to make sure that my purse matches every day. So when I’m back to the old me maybe I will change my purse with the day and maybe some days it just won’t matter.

Baby Bald Eagle

January 30, 2011

What does a baby bald eagle have to do with anything, well let me tell you? I have been so excited about my hair growing back in, I have read every blog conversation posted that I could possible find. I may be jumping the gun from what some of the conversations have said. One of the chemo medications that I had in the beginning causes women to never have hair growth again, really. I guess this chemo treatment is one of the newer forms of chemo and these women have a whole site of women that have this problem and are trying to sue the makers. One of the ways you know your hair might not grow back is if the top of your head gets shinny. Now I’ve been busy every time I see a bald man to check out if the top of his head is shinny and guess what they are. And I don’t think they shine them on purpose, but I’m really not sure. I think it might just happen! My head is not shinny so I guess that’s a good thing.

Other sites talk about how long it took for their hair to return, some seem to take longer than others and some seem just more positive than others. I have read that your new hair will come back curly or even a different color than you had before chemo.

I’ve tried but only found a few who talk about this hair that is growing on my head right now. It would remind you of the feathers or baby fuzz on top of a baby bald eagles head, I’m not kidding. At first it was a little alarming all this fuzzy stuff growing on top of my head, what in the world would I do with this. Seems it’s just the hair follicles being confused, they don’t know what they are suppose to do and they have no pigment so they have no color and supposable this would go away.
So I purchased some really expensive shampoo and conditioner to help with hair growth and am hoping for the best. I’ll post a picture a soon as I have some hair to share!

A Cold In My Nose

January 29, 2011

If you ever have to do chemo theropy make sure to do it in the summer time or any season other than the cold and flu season. I have been careful all the way back to October when I started having surgery to stay away from anyone feeling under the weather. My family has been diligent in making sure when the kids have had even just a little sniffle they didn’t come to visit. I have pretty much become a hermit; I think I can count the times I have been out on one hand. I’ve missed out on the kid’s birthdays, family get together and church just to mention a few.

Despite all my efforts it happened anyway, I have a cold in my nose and it is so magnified.
Most of my visitors have been thoughtful and careful not to come over when they were not feeling well. When I had to start going to the lab for blood test every day because of the blood thinners, I had some concerns. The first thing I thought of was, I have to sit in this room with all these sick people waiting to get my blood work done. Not Good! I finally by chance was able to get them to let me go to the back and wait when I complained about the smell in the room. Seems when women get older they start to lose their sense of smell so, they put on lots and lots of perfume. When I walk into the room with three or four of these ladies I start to turn green and almost lose it. If you’ve ever been pregnant it’s kind of like morning sickness all day long and smells can really set me off.

I did spend some time trying to clean my bedroom today, it was actually comical. I started out on my feet sorting clothes and soon realized I could do this sitting down so I sat on the floor to finish. Buy the time I decided I was finished I was laying on the floor sorting the clothes. I think the fatigue may be holding on because of the cold in my nose!

The Pity Party

January 28, 2011

Today I can talk about my pity party, yesterday I couldn’t. I guess looking back it was kind of silly but when you don’t feel well every little thing can set the wheels in motion for a pity party. Believe me it was something so small it amasses me that the other person just couldn’t let it go.
This week alone I have spent over eight hours at the clinic, from having my picc line dressing changed to waiting to have an ultra sound to all the other stuff. Still not feeling good from the last chemo treatment, I grew more and more tired and irritable. Now I’m not one to say anything, I can usually roll with the punches but yesterday I couldn’t, I really don’t even know where it came from, out of my mouth I guess.

While being checked in to see the doctor or anything I needed to do at the infusion center I first have to go through the nurses’ station. They take your blood pressure, check your pulse and weigh you in. Now I had been there three times this week and each time I explained to them that they couldn’t take my blood pressure. When you have had lymph nodes removed you can’t have blood pressure or blood test or anything on that arm every again so that leaves them my left arm to torture. Well on this day my left arm has a blood clot and an infection so probably not a good idea. She was ok with that but insisted on weighing me, what, you just weight me yesterday, and the day before! The older nurse turned red in the face and screamed “Mary just shut up and go with the program” wow, I think she too was having a bad day. The younger nurse was embarrassed so I chose to leave it alone and got weighed.

Once the doctor confirmed that I had an infection and left the room I decided it was time for me to just cry. My sister was with me and I apologized to her for having to be the one I cried on. I explained to her that usually I have one of the kids with me and I have to be strong for them but I guess I knew it was ok to have a pity party with her as my guest.

When my appointment with the doctor was wrapping up I ask him if I had to be weighed every time I came in, he said no, it’s your right to chose not to. I explained how irritated it made me to have to get on those scales day after day. Being silly he said he would make sure to tell them I needed to be weighted twice a day, we laughed and continued our check out process. Again I found myself in the office of the check in nurse, she gives me an appointment slip and says wait, he had something on his doctors order. She reads out loud, Please weight Mary twice a day. She then knew I had said something to him, I couldn’t believe he had written that on my chart. I thought it was pretty funny, but I don’t think she did. Oh well!

Footprints

January 27, 2011

I had an appointment scheduled to see my oncologists at 2:00 today and I was happy to get an opportunity to see him and ask some questions. As I was looking in the mirror I noticed that my arm with the picc line and now the blood clot looked red and swollen. I became very anxious and infection was my first thought, O Lord what next? I had to take a moment and tell myself that God is with me. I have had a problem feeling God close to me, I can’t explain it but I have struggled. It’s a feeling of despair that I can only explain as being so sick that I’ve been lost in the illness.
Sure enough the doctor confirmed that my arm was now infected and that the pic line needed to be removed. This thing has given me problems from the day they put it in; I was more than ready for them to remove it. He explained that It looked like I was allergic to the pic line and that is why I have had so many problems. He also confirmed that the clot was small and it shouldn’t give me any problems and then he said the words I had waited for, No more CHEMO! He believes it is doing me more harm than good and the treatments I did receive should be efficient. I couldn’t praise God enough! I had been so worried about my last chemo treatment I wasn’t sure if I could do it one more time.
Now I have been released to the radiologist for the next five weeks, and I’m ready. I have a short break before my first appointment so I hope I can get back to feeling good before starting the next phase of my treatment. I guess the side effects from radiation are nothing compared to the chemo, thank God!
As I sit and think about how hard the last couple days have been, it reminds me of a familiar poem and know that God has been carrying me.

Footprints

One night I had a dream--I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before me,I looked back at the footprints in the sand.I noticed that many times along the path of my life,there was only one set of footprints.I also noticed that it happened at the very lowestand saddest times in my life. This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you would walk with me all the way,but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my lifethere is only one set of footprints. "I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,you should leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. "When you saw only one set of footprints,it was then that I carried you."...Mary Stevenson

Trouble, Trouble, Trouble

Have you ever felt like you take ten steps forward and twenty steps back? After having a good day yester day, I woke this morning feeling quite awful. I had a pain in my arm, the one with the picc line. I first I thought I had sleep on it and made it sore but it wasn’t long before I knew it was something more. I waited for the clinic to open and was instructed to come in at 12:30; well it was 8:00 in the morning so the nurse must have not been too worried about it? Once again I called on Jake, I was going to drive myself but the kids didn’t like that idea. No doctor in today so I saw a nice lady they call a nurse practitioner. I was happy it wasn’t the weekend and I would have had to call the on call doctor, that usually my luck.
So they sent me for an ultra sound, only problem was they couldn’t get me in until 2:30, it was going to be a long day. The ultra sound seemed to take forever and sure enough I had one of the side effects I had read about. A bold clot, I couldn’t believe it, another bump in the road. It all sounded pretty alarming but they reassured me that they could give me blood thinners to dissolve the clot. One of the meds is in the form of a shot that I have to give myself in my tummy, sounds gross but I can do it the needle is kind of small. I guess in a couple days they will have to remove my picc line, and that could cause some problems for my last chemo treatment. I see my oncologist tomorrow so we’ll see what he has up his sleeve this time.

Slug Bug

January 25, 2011

Today I drove my car! I haven’t driven my car in, I’m not sure how long but I did today and it felt good. I’m not sure how to explain it but it made me feel like the person I was before I started this journey. Not that I don’t like the person I am now, I do, but the way I used to feel and the things I could do. I know I will be that person again but it’s nice to be able to just feel good even if it’s only for a short time. Another blessing, never take my health for granted, we never know what tomorrow brings so we need to enjoy every day that we have been given. I drove to Natures Market to pick up my vitamins and my weakness for shoes took me to the shoe store. They had a sale going on so how can a girl resist! I thought I would just look but ended up buying two pairs, I really don’t need any more shoes but I really like them. (I will tell you about my shoes someday, but I like purses even more) As I was leaving the store I spotted a rack full of scarves and a few hats. I’ve started to become picky about my hats and my new thing is scarves, I figured out how to tie them on my head and they are very comfortable and fun. I found four new scarves that are colorful and remind me of spring time.
I can hardly wait for nice weather so I can put the top down on my car and go for a drive. I would have to put my hair in a pony tail or tie it up on my head so the wind wouldn’t blow it in my face. I don’t think I will have that problem this spring or even summer!

Time With Jake

January 24, 2011

I can’t seem to get myself off of the nausea medication with this round of chemo. I was told that the new chemo medicine could cause more tummy problems and they were right, that’s exactly what they did. Being on the meds is not the end of the world but has kept me from my independence. They make me have a foggy medicine head so it’s not a good idea for me to drive my car. Even a quick trip to the store and I have to call someone to take me and be my driver, I don’t like to be Miss Daisy. I’ve been so independent for so long and I just hate asking, don’t ask me why. I think it’s another lesson for me to learn, it is ok to ask for help and not have to always be in control of everything.
So last week when I needed my picc line bandage changed my sister took me to my appointment, by Friday for some reason it started to bleed so my husband took me to the clinic before he headed to work. By Saturday morning it had bleed again? No one said why it’s doing this, only that it’s not good and I need to come in when it does. So I waited for Monday morning to arrive and once again was told to come in to get a fresh bandage. That made three bandages changes in just five days! Who could I bug now to give me a ride? Jake, my son-in-law! I wondered if he were busy? Jake has taken me to lots of appointments and he is dealing with a pretty severe health issue himself, I hate to bother him!
Although the trip to the clinic was short, Jake stayed by my side and even walked me to my door when we arrived home. I can see in his face the concern he has for me and I feel the love of a son when he is with me. Now who would have ever thought a son-in-law could feel this way about his mother-in-law? Just another blessing that I can count and one I will never take for granted!

Church

January 23, 2011

I missed church today; I’ve missed church for the last couple month. My favorite part of church is the praise and worship; it makes me feel good and lifts me up. Its seems when Sunday rolls around it’s either a Sunday right after a chemo treatment or a Sunday that my white blood count is to low and it would be bad to be in a crowd of people. I can’t wait to be back in the saddle so that I can attend church on a regular basis, it reminds of another thing I have always taken for granted.
I get up on Sunday morning and have what I call TV church. I watch Joel Olsten and Kerry Shook and some other on an occasion, sometimes I’m not sure just what type of religion I’m watching but I guess It doesn’t matter as long as it coming from the bible. I always enjoy the message but it’s just not the same as getting to go to the church. I miss every little part of the day from the beginning when I pass through the doors of the church and there’s always a smiling face to greet me, to the worship and message to the closing prayer. I love and embrace it all, so even though I am blessed with TV church it will never replace the real thing.

Hats

January 22, 2011

I never like to wear hats; I’m just not a hat kind of girl. First of all just like a wig they seem to be itchy and just not comfortable. Don’t get me wrong, when it snowing or just really cold outside I’ll wear a hat to keep my ears warm. I’m talking about an everyday hat or to just make a fashion statement hat, not a Mary Jane thing!
The day I found out I had to do the big C my daughter and I went to the mall to look at hats. I felt like hats were going to be a better choice than wigs although I bought a wig from a kiosk in the mall that night that turned to look awful on me. Joel’s wife loved it and she looks really cute in it, she even wears it on an occasion, I think she likes wigs. Now of course that was before I learned to call it cranial poetesses.
We didn’t have a clue about what kind of hats to buy but we thought we did. We spent the next couple hours trying on hats and bought six or seven cute hats that would turn out to be pretty useless. Being the middle of the winter we found lots of nice warm knit hat in different colors and styles and a couple cute caps.
The day I gave in and had my head shaved I tried on the hats and realized how hot it would be to have to wear a winter hat all day, I had one the fit loosely and was bearable. What was I going to do now? I decided that I would hide in the house and then quickly decided that wasn’t a good option.
I got on line and looked up chemo hats and found there’s a whole lot of people selling hats to cancer patients. They make all kinds and their not just any hats, they’ve been designed for bald heads and to cover the bald head and be comfortable. So I paid a little extra to get them shipped faster and waited.
During my chemo treatment my cousin came to visit and brought a gift, a much needed gift. She had made me some hats, I was so happy to have something I could wear now that was not only cute but comfortable. They were made of a really soft warm fleece, the kind your pajama bottoms are made of only softer.
The UPS man soon arrived and delivered the hats that I have now learned to call head covers. I tried them all on and was happy with most of them but I still wasn’t thrilled with the Idea of having to wear a hat all the time. My face is just not a hat face if that makes any sense at all but what were my choices at this point, I quickly decided I had better get used to it. The other option would be to just walk around bald headed, I have a nice round head and God blessed me with little ears but being bald gives me a naked feeling and not to mention its really cold. I know lots of bald men and not one of them let on how cold it is to be bald, I wonder why? I think it could be because they didn’t lose their hair all at once.
I bought a few really cute hats from the wig shop but they were priced so outrageous that I have continued to by my hats from the online shop called Head Covers. So when the day comes that my hair has returned and I no longer need hats, I think there will be a couple that I will never part with, I might even where them sometimes. The rest I will donate to the place that I get my chemo treatments so that someone who needs a hat will have lots to choose from.

Don't Wish It Away

Today I found myself looking at the calendar trying to put the days behind me, now I’ve never been one to do this. I believe, as I have said in the past, that every day is a gift and to hold on and embrace every moment. Well with the situation at hand, how do I continue to be true to myself? With a family as large as ours it seem not a month goes by that were not celebrating a Birthday and so all I have to do is look at my grandkids and see the years passing by way too fast. Most of them are now taller than me, and I’m not talking by a little bit, it’s a lot! I do believe that there is one that will never pass me by, she’s almost 17 and I think she might be at her tallest. Now that’s not to say that as I grow old, I’ve been told that people shrink, so maybe that’s when she will pass me by. I’ll just continue to enjoy her shrimpness for now. (I don’t think shrimpness is a word, but I’m going with it anyway).
I love the summer months, I know we don’t have many of them, but I’ve lived in this area all my life and still can’t say I love the rain as many Washington people do. If I think of the summer months that are just around the corner I get really excited! Of course, I will have chemo behind me, radiation will be complete and my energy will have started to return and hey, the hair will have started to grow. Who could ask for more? During the summer months we get together in my back yard for every occasion, if we haven’t something to celebrate we makeup something, and I’m not kidding, one time we celebrated because I got a new hairdryer, for real.
With my high anxiety I’ve been told to meditate; now how do I do that? I’ve been so busy in the last few years I have never taken time to just sit and meditate and believe me it’s not an easy thing to wrap your mind around. I started by listening to some relaxation CD’s and trying to figure out how to clear my mind and just concentrate on nothing. It takes some practice but soon I realized that I had been meditating for years when I talk with God. I could close my eyes and see my family in the backyard, the kids all dancing and playing, the BBQ fired up and laughter from the family. I could even feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. (Then I realized it was really a hot flash).
On this journey I know there is something new for me every day and although some days I really don’t want to know, I’m growing because of it. So on this cold and rainy January day I will remember how important every minute of every day is and when things get hard I can still embrace the day and all it has to offer.

The Almost Perfect Day

January 20, 2011
Today was almost a perfect day, although I am still feeling the chemo affects, my body is starting to rebound. I feel my body fighting but I also know that in a few days my white blood count will hit its low so I can’t be too cocky. My sister agreed to take me to an appointment to visit the chemo nurses for a new dressing on my picc line. I will have to go weekly to get a new bandage. Before my diagnosis’s she and I would meet for lunch once a week at a local restaurant. We worked together for over twenty years and really enjoy one another’s company. I can’t wait to be able to do the little things again, today I thought about how much I had taken them for granted. When we arrived at the clinic we realized that we were right on time so she dropped me off out front and went to park the car. This is the same clinic that she and I had taken our mother to for many years when she had became ill. When I went to see this doctor for the first time the memories came flooding in, but it was ok, I love remembering moments spent with my mom. My sister made a comment about where she used to park when she would bring mom to the clinic and I knew she too was having moments to remember. After the brief visit and a fresh new bandage we were on our way home, it felt good to get out of the house and to breathe in the fresh new air. When my sister had left, I sat exhausted, I closed my eyes and thought about what an almost perfect day it had been!

"Cherubs"

January 19, 2011
Cherubs
Angels are spiritual beings, often viewed as divine emanations of the Supreme Being. Angels are believed to be intermediaries between human beings and God. Although different groups of angels may have specific functions, all angels appear to praise God and attend to his will. Angels appear to carry out God's will, both in heaven and on earth. Cherubs are one of several types of angels. They are mentioned in the Bible.
I found this definition of a cherub on the internet and you may be wondering why I would want to share it with you. I love angels all kinds from the tall beautiful ones to the chubby cherub type. I like to look at them and I love the stories of them I like everything about them. My mother collected angels, I have a few that belonged to her and they remind me of her. She was like an angle on earth.
When I first found out that I would be having chemotherapy I started reading everything I could get my hands on. (Doctors don’t like you to do that, gives you too much information and makes you ask a lot of questions). Several articles I had found talked about women having chemo for breast cancer would gain weight. No Way! Chemo makes people skinny? Not so, seems the added steroids and different types of meds used will most likely add pounds. I think I have been on a diet most of my life,(even when I didn’t need to lose weight). As I have mentioned I had already gained some weight after finding the dreaded lump and panicked at the thought of gaining another ounce.
At my pre chemo appointment it was one of the first questions I brought to the oncologist. He simply said “NO” chemo does not make you gain weight. OK, that’s what I wanted to hear, but what about all the articles I had found? My doctor knows everything I need to know so I was going with him. Isn’t that what we have always been taught? I like to trust and believe the man with the expensive education who I have decided to trust my life with. This wasn’t a stubbed toe! This was big stuff! My family and friends thought I was being really silly worrying about my weight at a time like this, who cares what you look like, this isn’t suppose to be a glamorous time. I did start to gain weight, no matter how hard I tried you just can’t diet when you’re doing chemo you just eat what you can when you can.
Maybe this was my first thought, if this doctor couldn’t be straight with me about something so small, what about the big stuff? I would wish that my doctor would always tell me everything and be brutally honest with me. I think in his defense he and his surgeon buddy had decided if they didn’t tell me all, it was better for my personality type. Not so.
One of the articles I stumbled over described a woman going through chemo for breast cancer as a “Cherub” as you know they are fat little angels with round bellies. I not only feel like a cherub but a bald one at that. I get weighted every morning, (I always have) and although I have gained it’s not too bad. And I know I have sometime in common with the Cherubs, I to love to praise God!

Brenda Lee 1960

I’m Sorry, So Sorry……….I really am sorry for posting yesterday…………not sure it’s a day I even want to remember, but that’s ok cause I can only remember parts of it anyway. For me I feel like I have had a glimpse of what it feels like to be slowly positioned, not good! Anyway enough of that, yesterdays gone. I wanted to talk about,” what do you say when you go to visit someone that is doing chemotherapy treatment?” The people that came to visit in the beginning had a hard time looking me in the face, not all but most, and then they would say “I’m Sorry” and then what was I suppose to say? I would say, “It’s going to be ok” or “no need to be sorry” I have had some real sorry visitors. No pun intended! Don’t get me wrong, I Love visitors most of the time, but beware, if you haven’t called ahead! Some people are so taken back by breast cancer and its treatment that they decided to not even address it. I think for those of you who haven’t come to visit or even called you need to know something; I have breast cancer not cooties! You can’t catch it, and yes I do look different, some days more than others. And believe me today I look pretty scary! But getting back to being serious, I am a really nice person but when I feel this bad it can be really frustrating and I do get irritable. My visitors could be very dangerous to me right now because of the flu, strep throat and other viruses that are going around right now. I don’t want to sound like a broken record but as I have said before, chemo kills fast dividing cells and its working to kill the fast growing cancer cells and at the same time it is killing my white blood cells, the ones you need to fight off infection. So it wouldn’t be a good thing to catch something now. As this day begins to wrap up I can feel my body trying to heal itself, the chemo sick is still very strong but starting to become a little more tolerable.Just sayin.

:( Not Happy :(

January 17, 2011, well, to put it bluntly has really sucked! I feel so miserable and I don’t care who knows it! That being said, I will do this post and hope that you still continue to come back, because if it were me reading this I wouldn’t. But isn’t that what this is all about? Chemo, chemo, chemo, is that all I have on my mind? Yes, Yes, and Yes! This being day number four of my third chemo treatment with the new chemo medicine, I hoped I would feel better, but I don’t. Martin Luther King day, so no work for the husband, I am thankful he was here and took care of me all day long, I am blessed. The insertion of the picc line trauma has caused so much bruising, it looks worse than it is, but still really sucks.

Happy Birthday Rachel

January 16th 2011, the last couple day haven’t been too bad, of course the steroids get started on the day of chemo and then for two days after. They keep me awake and feeling alert. The new chemo medicine is harder on the stomach but I can deal with it to avoid all the stuff that came with the first doses. So today is the third day after so another crash day for me, my day has been long and I worked on this blog endlessly. I’m happy I had something to do, today is Rachel my middle daughter’s Birthday and the get together at her house for the birthday celebration and the Seahawks game was not in the plan for me. Some of the kids are just getting over the flu and that’s the last thing I want to do right now.

Chemo Treatment Number Three

I waited in anticipation as the new chemo drug slowly dripped into my new picc line. The chemo nurse had explained that if I would be allergic it would happen right away. I was fine; they gave me lots of ice chips and were happy and friendly. If I have to do this I may as well try to smile. I try to never wish the days away, each day is a gift with something new to learn but its hard now to feel that way I am looking so forward to this chemo journey being over.

The Picc Line

January 12th 2011 was the day scheduled to get the picc line, and yes I had search the internet and learned all about it. I was just a little nervous because I had never had something like this but everything I had studied said it wouldn’t hurt and was quite an easy procedure. It was a short outpatient procedure to be done at the hospital. It was rainy and nasty out so my daughter and I left early. Soon I was on the table with two sweet older ladies explaining to me what they were going to do. I just wanted to know would it hurt, I was so tired of hurt, and I still am. She said they would numb the point of entry and then I wouldn’t feel the rest. She had just put one in a man before me and it just took 10 minutes. OK I could do this! Well an hour later and three tries to three different veins, they were finally successful in placing my picc line, and yes I felt it. I’m not sure what went wrong, I guess I just have to do everything the hard way, But it was done and my chemo treatment number three was scheduled for the next day.

Its A New Day

January 4th had arrived and this was the day I had scheduled to see a new oncologist. When I walked into the clinic I was greeted with smiles and happy chemo nurses, Yea! Now all I needed was a doctor that would listen and talk to me in a way that would not rub me wrong. And I found him, after he gave me an examine he explained that some of the chemo meds I had been on were causing an allergic reaction. Two more treatments with a new chemo medicine would be the plan. I knew it would still be hard but without the hives and other added stuff I really didn’t have to deal with and what a bonus only a hop skip and a jump from home, not that I could hop skip or jump right now, but that will come later. The new chemo meds are also hard on the veins so I would have to have a picc line put in. Now that didn't sound fun.

A Second Opinion

The New Year had arrived and I had been busy on the internet chatting with others in my shoes. A new friend had left a message for me on my wall and had been going through the same chemo treatment as myself. In the beginning I thought she had found me by accident but I soon figured out it was a God thing. She had just finished her chemo on December 2nd and had some of the same experiences. I was so excited to hear her say she changed oncologist during her chemo treatments. I to had made an appointment to talk with another doctor but was nervous about making the change or if it could even be done. She had assured me that it had been the right thing for her, so I felt confident. Something she said made so much sense. Her doctor had been so caught up in treating the cancer, but he forgot to treat his patient. I liked that and I was going with it!

Happy New Year!

December 31st Happy New Year, my daughters put the celebration together for the New Year, God Bless them and again we went to my daughters house. We had dinner, played games and visited it was nice but I never made it to the midnight celebration, I was just too pooped out. My husband had to work and wouldn’t be home for another hour or so but I didn’t feel alone. I talked to God that night and ask for a better year and thanked him for all of my blessings and just remembered all the things that I was truly thankful for and they are many.

Hand and Foot Symdrom

December 23, 2010 Christmas had been moved from my house to my daughter house this year, and I’m strange like that but it’s hard for me to break traditions. I have to say it only bothered me for a short minute, I had nothing in me this Christmas, and I was drained. I had been told to not read so much stuff on the internet but it’s the only place I was getting any information and I quickly found out there was another world of people out there just like myself living this same story. I found others with this hand and foot thing going on, they had different creams and lotions they had suggested to apply and at least some answers to questions to make it more bearable. My hands pealed so badly that I had to wear gloves with lotions packed on them, and they were numb, my feet were also numb but never pealed. It seemed never ending, they pealed the entire next week and by New Years I could hardly use my hands.

Chemo, Round Two

December 22, 2010 yea, chemo day, not really! Time to do this again, really I was kind of excited, after today I would be at the half way mark! I was ready to get it done and after my treatment I had an appointment with the doctor. I had my little pad with questions ready. All the things that I could think of I had written down, not to mention some natural things I wanted to take to see if I might feel better during my chemo treatment.
And then there she was, the same chemo nurse as last time. When she saw the mark on my arm she asks who my last nurse had been. Mmm, It was you, she went to get another nurse to look at my arm, the new nurse proceeded to say, “she needs a port” I never let on that I knew it was because of her placement, no need to make someone feel bad about their work, but boy was she careful this time. I wasn’t treated very nicely by the chemo nurses that day. I had read on the internet that if I ate ice chips while I was receiving the chemo it would help with the mouth sores. When I ask for the ice chips they proceeded to tell me they didn’t have any. Well the last time I was here you gave me ice water and it had ice chips in it. I was then told my nurse was a floating nurse and just didn’t know where to get them. OK! When I ask for a second cup of ice she just ignored me, when I ask again, another nurse delivered. Now I may sound like I’m being winey but, I am being winey! But the good news was, the ice chips worked, I ended up with just a couple mouth sores the second time around.
Then it was time to see the oncologist himself. He walked in wearing his designer suit as usually, that might not sound very nice of me, but where was his white jacket? He always had on some fancy suit! And why not, once I saw the first chemo bill he can afford to wear designer suits!
My husband and daughter were siting in the room with me and this doctor was very happy, he was on his way to Palm Desert for the holiday and I was his last patient before he was out of there. I’m not sure he answered one of my questions that day, he had a good laugh with my husband about the organic remedy I had presented and made a rude remark about my weight to my family as if I wasn’t there. ( I wanted to give him some steroids and see how his life went). I did need to know why my hands and feet were going numb, my hands were so painful and had started to peal from the finger tip down. He simply answered; it’s too soon for that to be happening? But it was?

Pre Chemo Blood Work

December 20, 2010 was the day to have blood work done to make sure my blood counts were high enough for my second chemo treatment that was to take place on December 22nd,I know just in time for Christmas. Why couldn’t they do my treatment after the Christmas holiday, I would later find out.
After visiting the lab I asked to see the chemo nurse to show her the hives that I had been battling. She took one look at the hives and the still very red infusion mark from my first chemo trip and went to fetch the doctor, the real one not an on call one, oh my.
The lady in the lab had confirmed my information that I had found on the internet about the cause of my infection and said they didn’t like patients knowing stuff like that. Well why not were all human and we all make mistakes.
The doctor quickly rushed in and out and then in again with his prescription for prednisone, great more steroids, this is the one that makes you really fat, I had read all about this one too. Hives and breathing problems associated with them can be very dangerous so I had no choice but to start the unwanted regiment. Ug. He looked at the still red mark on my arm and suggested we have a port surgically put in. Why? With only three more treatments to go and three more days before Christmas? I suggested we try one more time the old fashion way and if another infection happens then I would agree to the port. I felt proud of myself, I finally had spoke up and he agreed with me for once.

"Annie"

December 18, I couldn’t wait, I was feeling good and My middle daughter and two of her children were performing in the on stage production of “Annie” we all pack up and went out to enjoy the evening. When we arrived I was able to get a close parking spot but was just a little disturbed when walking to the theater made me so short of breath. Now why was this happening? Maybe I was just too excited I would blame it on that.
The production was more than I had hoped for; I had even worn one of my wigs, now that the rest of my hair was gone, and it did feel itchy? Half way through the play my skin felt hot and prickly, I could hardly wait to get home and get these cloths off my skin, I felt like I had a painful sunburn.
When I got in the house and took the wig off my head I could see what was happening, I was covered with hives. Not again! It’s the weekend, not the on call doctor! I was too tired to deal with him or her who every it might be. I took a couple Benadryl and went to bed. I woke often through the night with itchy skin and would take more of the Benadryl, at one point I had to take all my jewelry off which told me my hands were swelling. I lived on the Benadryl the rest of the weekend and just hoped I could sleep the hives away?

Shopping !

December 15 I woke feeling half human, I needed to seize the day, I wasn’t sure how long this feeling was going to last and maybe just maybe I could do just a little Christmas shopping. I decided I would spend just a little of the energy on getting ready and that’s not hard when you haven’t any hair to fix. So with my makeup on and a hat on my head off I went. It wasn’t too bad, driving my car the fresh air and finally the shopping. I lasted almost two hours before I hit a wall it was all I could do to get home. I collapsed on the couch but felt good to have been able to go out. The next day was much the same, I did it all again and even lasted a bit longer this time. I could do this!

The Emergency Room

The next day I noticed the red spot on my arm had started to get larger and seemed to be moving up my arm. I called my daughter and ask her to come over and take a look, we decided if it were to get any bigger we would call the on call doctor again because of course it was the weekend again. The next day the red mark had moved half way up my arm, this thing was two inches wide and about four or more inches long, it was bright red by now and was starting to blister, what was this?
My doctor worked out of Gig Harbor which can be quite a little drive and so the on call doctor said to just go to my local emergency room, sounded like a little infection that would do fine with antibiotics.
The emergency room was filled with sick people, not where I wanted to be. I had my mask on and still didn’t feel comfortable; I request a room right away and explained the chemo. Nothing they could do for me they were busy, I’m happy it was a nice night out we waited outside until they could find me a room.
The emergency room doctor seemed at a loss, he explained that he really hadn’t seem chemo patients and didn’t know what we had going on. I gave him the doctor on calls number and he worked with him. They soon had an IV in place and stated an antibiotic. In the week that fallowed I learned that the nurse that had placed the IV needle in my arm had not done it correctly and the chemo chemicals had burned my skin and caused an infection.

To The Wig Shop

I had talked with a friendly lady at a wig shop just in case I might possible need to purchase one. The thought of wearing a wig didn’t appeal to me at all, it seemed it would be itchy and uncomfortable, and could you imagine the wind blowing it to the side or maybe completely off your head. It just felt like people would know it wasn’t real. So I made an appointment to visit her shop on Friday December 10. My daughter and I were going wig shopping, not my idea of a shopping trip but then this was the first time in a long time I didn’t feel like any shopping trip at all. Christmas shopping should have been on my agenda, but this year looked like a lot of gift cards to me.
So the doctor had written me a prescription for a cranial prostheses, I guess this is another name for a wig. I had been instructed to never call it a wig to the insurance company, that would make it cosmetic and as we all know insurance companies just don’t pay for cosmetic stuff.
I wish I had felt better shopping for wigs but I did find four that I took home that day. Yes 4, the girl that didn’t want any bought a shoulder length, a shaggy one, and then a short one and of all things a long straight pink one. Don’t ask me why it was pretty and pink and you know how I feel about pink now that it’s ok and I have accepted my breast cancer. I actually wore one home that day, it was the longest one that looked most like my hair before I had to cut it. I acted really strong the day I cut my hair, I told everyone it was just hair, but I was screaming inside, it had taken me forever to grow, I loved how it felt on my back and the way I could where an up do, I was really going to miss it.

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

Happy Monday, December 6, 2010! How can I begin to describe how I felt today? I can’t! I think it would be like the worse hang over times ten. The mouth sores that now covered my mouth and throat made it almost what seemed imposable to swallow. I looked through the folder the chemo nurse had hurried through and found a page on salt water rinse, it worked a little. The next few days were not much better, a lot of sleeping for short spans that seemed longer then they were and being awake not being able to move. I had noticed a small red mark where the needle had been placed for the chemo treatment. No one had said this would happen, but I think I could remember stuff like that from the cancer type movies; it should start to heal by tomorrow. I had cut my hair short before the first treatment but I had not shaved it like the doctor had suggested. I was going to wait; maybe just maybe I would be one of the few that wouldn’t lose my hair?

Day Three, Crash Day

Crash day comes on the third day after the chemo treatment. I thought he said after a couple days I would be doing well, Not so. I had my shower got dressed and looked in the mirror. My face was covered with hives, what was this all about. I called the on call Doctor because of course it was Sunday. She prescribed steroids for another day and the hive seemed to get better. By the next day the mouth sores had started and seemed to get worse as the day went on. Seems the fast growing cells in my body were all being destroyed good and bad. My stomach began to swell and my skin was so tight and dry lotion wouldn’t begin to penetrate it. So fast growing cells, this gets so strange. In the process of these chemicals killing my cancer they would also kill my white blood cell that would make my hair fall out, and keep me from getting infections, not to mention my skin, intestines, mouth and throat.

The Chemo Cocktail

December 3, 2010 was the first week of chemo and I only had 12 weeks of treatment, some have much more, so I was feeling really blessed. I didn't even have to have a port surgically implanted because I would only have 4 treatments over the course of the twelve weeks and my veins would be fine. Everything went well, they started the chemo cocktail out slow to make sure I would have no allergic reactions, so the first treatment took almost 4 hours. Feeling tired but otherwise OK, we made our way home. The medications were endless and hard to keep track of, when do I take this one and when do I take that one. I soon figured it all out. The first 2 days I spent a lot of time sleeping and waking to a feeling of energy but too ill to do anything. Seems the steroids that are pumped into you the day of chemo and the two days after make you feel up then down, and I wanted to eat everything in sight and then be really sick to my stomach and then take some nausea pills.

I Wasn't Afraid

It had all happened so fast, I wasn’t afraid, the doctor had told my husband and me that I would feel crappy for the first couple days and then I could go to work or school and do just fine. So all that stuff I had seen in the movies was from the past. Chemo side effects can all be controlled now. He also said my hair would fall out so just shave it now, and when I ask why some stories I had read from other breast cancer patients said they had gained weight, he said no weight gain.

You Do Get To Do Chemo!

So on December 1st I met my oncologist, the guy who decides if you get chemotherapy. He wasn’t shy and kind of just blurted out, you need chemo. What? Why? I didn’t expect that? Because the tumor was 2.4cm he would call it a stage 2 instead of stage 1 that I had originally been told. Only tumors fewer than 2cm can be stage 1. Now this is where he got me, he explained that the tumor was a fast growing tumor. They give them a score from 1 to 3 in 3 different categories. Mine was a 3 in all three categories. It happened so fast, he sent me to the lab, made me an appointment himself and brought the sticky note to me personally while I was getting my labs done. December 2nd Chemo Teach, this is when a Chemo nurse tells you all about what will happen and give you tons of prescriptions to get ready before your treatment. December 3rd at 9:00 would be my first Chemo treatment

I Don't Need Chemo, I thought?

I saw my surgeon on November 29th and he said everything looked good and now it was time for me to see the oncologist. Now why do I need to seed him? No cancer in my lymph nodes, no spread 2.4cm tumor removed. Positive for estrogen and progesterone so I just need to take a pill that would block the hormomes, so I had been told. I had none of that Her2 stuff or other hereditary stuff. I had been told radiation would have to be done. I wasn’t looking forward to that. Six weeks, five days a week to get hit with radiation? I read and read some more and it seems they have came along way with this stuff so it looked pretty easy. So what I needed was to see the oncologist and have him say, “You don’t need chemo” but here is you prescription to see a radiologist.

The Water Ballon Night Out

The fallowing Friday my husband’s band was playing at a local club so my daughter and I decided to get me out for a bit. While I was getting ready to go I kept hearing a water sound, how can I explain it, kind of like a water balloon? It took me all night to figure out that my boob was filling up with water. What a weird thing? I guess sometimes this happens because your body doesn’t know what to do with the empty space. They said my body would absorb it, and it did.

One More Time

I saw my doctor three days later for a follow up and he then informed me that the margins around the tumor weren’t clean enough and we would have to do surgery again on November 18th. Well I guess we want to make sure it’s all gone. So we did it again and made sure to get all of it! My surgeon then left on vacation, I would see him ten days later.

Surgery Day, November 2, 2010

My son in law went with me to the new place to receive the Breast MRI; he had to take me two times. Seems I have a bit of claustrophobia and the first time I panicked when they tried to put me in the machine. Maybe that surgeon was right and I do have high anxiety.
The other spots turned out to be fibroids cyst, I knew they were in there somewhere. So now with just one lump to deal with, surgery was scheduled once again. November 2nd would be the day.
November 2nd at 1:30 pm, why would anyone want surgery at that time? You have to wait in anticipation, you can’t eat. Oh well I had gained 15 pounds sense the day I had found the lump, maybe I thought I could eat it away. I still think when I was little my mom would give me a cookie when I was hurt and so maybe that was my reasoning.
Before the surgery they did several injections into my breast of Indigo Blue dye. This would travel to my lymph nodes so the doctor could remove the sentinel nodes, these nodes are kind of like the gate keeper of the lymph nodes. If these nodes had no cancer then this would mean the cancer hadn’t spread, and that’s a good thing.
St Anthony’s Hospital in Gig Harbor rocks, these people were so good to me. My surgery that I had worried over had gone great and I was very pleased. A kind nurse that was with me when I woke let me know my lymph nodes were clean, I don’t know if she was suppose to but she did and I was glad.

October Breast Cancer Awarness Month

It was October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and everything was pink, there were pink ribbons everywhere. Everywhere I went it was in my face. Soon I started receiving gifts with the pink ribbon on them and soon I had accepted the fact that I had Breast Cancer!
They scheduled my surgery for the 19 of October, that’s my birthday; I guess it would be a gift to get this lump out of my breast. A few days before the surgery the Surgeon called to confirm that I would have a lumpectomy and not a mastectomy and to also tell me that he would like to delay my surgery and get a Breast MRI. It seems that the ultrasound had shown another lump close to the bad one and a couple more in the other breast. At this point I was just going through the motions.

The Doctor Called, You Have Cancer

When I walked in the door from school that afternoon my home phone was ringing and my heart feel into my stomach, it was him. He proceeded to tell me that I had IDC or invasive doctoral carcinoma. I didn’t know what it meant, but it didn’t sound good. I proceeded to ask him if he could still help me, it angered him and he said, “This is why I don’t like to do this on the phone” can you come to my office. I told him I was on my way.
My daughter came home from work and went with me; I thought another set of ears would be good.
When we arrived at his office my heart was beating so fast there was nothing I could do to calm it. He explained the report and seemed very frustrated and short with me, I began to wonder had I found the right surgeon for myself. He later told me he felt I wasn’t accepting what he was telling me; maybe I didn’t want to accept what he was saying. I ask a lot of questions that seemed to be a waste of his time. He told me to talk to my regular MD about my anxiety levels maybe he could give me something. I’m not sure about anyone else but I was full of anxiety and it hurt.

The Waiting Game

I had been referred to a surgeon in Gig Harbor who was suggested to me by my MD, It didn’t matter how far I had to drive as long as I could communicate with this guy and he would be straight up with me.
The day of the biopsy was scary, he first numbed my breast before he inserted an instrument about the size of a pencil, it made a clicking sound as it took pieces of the tumor to send to pathology. They sent the tissue to pathology on Thursday and told me the results would be back on Monday. What! You can put a man on the moon but I have to wait all weekend to know my results????
The weekend was long; I surrounded myself with my family and tried to pretend I was confident. I knew it was in God’s hands and whatever the outcome was he had a plan for me.
When I made the call on Monday morning I was between classes, I could not make myself concentrate on my work and was becoming more and more frustrated. Of course the receptionist said they will call you back. I waited all day; the call never came, so just before closing time I tried again. Ok by now they had decided I was a nut case that had zero patients and wanted my test results. Then I heard the dreaded words, “we don’t have the results back yet, we will call you tomorrow.” Are you kidding me! I believe I drank some wine that night, in fact, I think I drank a lot of wine that night.
The next morning I decided not to call them, no news is good news right. I kept my phone on at school all day and never received a call; surely they must have the result by now?

Another Mammogram

The first day of the new quarter of school had arrived and I knew it was going to be a tuff and exciting quarter, this was the last of my classes and then I could be on my way to starting a new chapter in my life. Who would have thought at 55 years old I would be starting a new career.
After getting my books and attending my classes I hurried to my appointment at the Breast Center. I hated going to that place, it always gave me such an uneasy feeling but today I was alright, I had some kind of confidence that it was just a cyst.
After the mammogram they placed me in room for an ultrasound, I had been through this one before. This time it was different, the doctor acted like he had found something, it angered me. I wanted to say you didn’t find anything bucko, I found it, quit being so proud of yourself. What he did next was alarming, when he started running the ultrasound instrument into my armpit and up my arm, I knew what he was looking for. He was looking at my lymph nodes to see if I had cancer that had spread, and I knew that’s what he was doing. I ask what he was looking at and he gave me very little information, and I knew he was very certain he had found cancer.
I still refused to believe it. The next step was to have a biopsy and then I would know for certain just what this lump was?

Road Trip To Vegas

We hit the road on Friday morning, off to Vegas at last. I was happy but had that lump in the back of my mind, I would try to put it aside and not let it put a damper on our trip.
We had a blast, shopped, saw a show, gambled a little, and ate way too much. I managed to keep the lump out of my mind but at night when I was alone it was there and I would try to tell myself it was going away. I spent a lot of time on my knees talking to God in that lonely hotel room and it’s a time I will never forget.
Soon we were on our way home and my sister and daughter started asking me if the lump was still there, “yes” I would say, “but it’s definitely getting smaller.” So I knew that was a good thing.

Labor Day 2010

In the early morning hours of September 5th labor day 2010, something woke me. I looked at my watch and thought to myself, why am I awake? I decided to do some stretches before hoping out of bed, as my hands went above my head and then down to my sides I brushed my hands along the sides of my breast. What the hell was that? I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, I could feel panic setting in, what is this, what is this. I threw off my night shirt and stood looking at my breast in the mirror. My right breast had a lump that I could see poking out the side, where did it come from, why hadn’t I noticed it yesterday? It wasn’t painful, just a big hard lump! It was a holiday and the Breast Center was closed.
I lay on my living room couch for the next hour feeling the lump under my fingers, what was this? It was something different than I had ever felt before, not one of the familiar lumps or fibroids that I had felt in the past. So after a few Google searches on breast lumps I had decided it was just a cyst. I avoided any link that wanted to talk about breast cancer, it was definitely not that! I was sure it was just caused by the bio identical hormones I had been taking to keep the hot flashes at bay and they were all natural so this cyst was just some fluid buildup. I did decide to stop taking the natural hormones at that very moment.
I couldn’t sleep very well that night in anticipation of the call to the breast center the next day. I was up early and waiting for someone to pick up the phone and tell me to come right in for a mammogram. To my surprise when the woman answered the phone and I explained my findings to her, she didn’t at all seem urgent.” My computer says you haven’t been here since 2006 Mary.”We’ll have to get your records from the warehouse and have a doctor on duty for your appointment because you do have a lump. We can see you on Monday next week. I paused, “you mean we can wait that long” sure, it’s probable nothing, 80% of these things are nothing. Boy, was that a relief, so what about my trip to Vegas? She said to go ahead and go and come in on the 21st when I returned. So that’s what I would do

Time for some R & R

Spring was on us and the thought of summer was truly sweet. Summer quarter was short and then a much needed break from school would fallow, I looked forward to this!
In September there was a big trade show that my sister would work in Las Vegas. We would make it a road trip; I think its part of hanging onto our childhood, we took a road trip every summer as children. This year was different, she had lost her job and was going to job seek instead of working. Just when I had decided not to go my daughter and her husband said they would like to go along this year, so the plan was on. We would do our road trip to Vegas after all. We would leave on September 11 and get back on September 20th just one day before the new quarter at school would begin.

Talking With God

Some nights as I lay in bed talking to God I would be reminded that I hadn’t had my routine checkups. I worried that I hadn’t taken time for myself to have a colonoscopy, a pap test, let alone another mammogram. I would deal with it all later; I needed to figure out what it was I was going to do now. My office skills were so outdated, who was going to hire this 50 something woman with these old skills not to mention a bad knee and bonk back. So the decision was made, off to school I went. It would take two years to get a legal assistant degree and this would be a wide open field by the time I finished. I tore into the work that consumed me. Trying to learn this new stuff after doing the same thing for so many years would prove to be tougher than I first thought, but I was doing it. It took everything I had.
By now my husband was living in his own little world of working two jobs, playing in his band and taking care of his elderly parents. I didn’t see him much and hoped our relationship could make it through another bump in the road. Soon he had to place his father with severe dementia in an assisted living home leaving his mother alone. At that point he pretty much moved in with his mom and just came home on Sundays when his brother could give him a break. It was really Ok, we have to take care of our parents, it made me wish I had spent more time with my mom instead of spending so much time at that stupid job.
In February of 2010 on a Monday morning my husband’s cell phone started ringing. The woman on the other end of the phone explained to him that his father had passed away in his sleep during the night and they needed him to come and make arrangements. Just one month later in March his mother would follow and take up her place in heaven also. The year had hardly started and it seemed we were in for quite the ride.

I Praise You In This Storm

My mom had been sick for years with a birth defect of her heart. It was stressful watching her life, it was a rollercoaster. One day she was doing well the next thing you knew they were telling you she might not make it another week. Work was crazy; I had been promoted and was running the company I had been with for over 20 years. With the promotion came a new level of stress, managing people, purchasing, paper work and really late nights. With the sorrow I felt for my sick mother I buried my head in my work and there I stayed.
On August 27, 2007 my mother went home to be with the Lord. I retreated into a shell and stayed for the next year….
On November 30th 2008 due to the economy they closed the door on the business I poured my heart and soul into. Now what?

Life Goes On

On a summer night in 2006 I had went to the YMCA an attended a swim aerobic class, feeling refreshed but exhausted I quickly smeared lotion on my entire body, as I touched my right breast I felt something strange and different. Some type of familiar but indescribable fear shot through my soul. Not again?
Next morning I called the Breast Diagnostic center to make an appointment, I quickly let her know my concerns and she assured me that if I felt pain in the area it was most likely just a hormone thing. And after all was done that was exactly what it was. My breast had fibroids in them, harmless rubbery lumps that would swell and shrink around the different times of the month. So life went on.

Pink

My favorite color was pink and I hated it that everything that promoted breast cancer was pink! I had this sense that if I stayed away from anything that had to do with breast cancer awareness that I would not be affected by the disease. Don’t ask me why, just some silly thought I kept. So if I stayed away from pink, I started menstruating at 12 years old, had my babies young and breast feed each one of them, I had done everything right to put me in a low risk category for getting breast cancer. Besides breast cancer doesn’t run in my family, no one as far back as I knew had ever had to deal with breast cancer.

Lumpy Boobs

It was 1985 when I had a routine physical exam that sent me to the mammogram machine. That was a joke; twenty five year olds don’t need mammograms. Well the doctor decided it would be a good idea because my breasts were dense and lumpy whatever that meant? Nothing came of it and I went about my life. For some reason that mammogram haunted me, but why.
As the years went by I started having my yearly routine mammogram and every time they would scare the crap out of me! They could never just do the test and send me on my way, they always had to do an ultra sound or have the doctor look at the results to see if we needed to biopsy one of these lumps that had been there forever. No one really ever talked to me much about why they always had a concern and I always just wrote it off to lumpy boobs that they weren’t sure of.