The Pity Party

January 28, 2011

Today I can talk about my pity party, yesterday I couldn’t. I guess looking back it was kind of silly but when you don’t feel well every little thing can set the wheels in motion for a pity party. Believe me it was something so small it amasses me that the other person just couldn’t let it go.
This week alone I have spent over eight hours at the clinic, from having my picc line dressing changed to waiting to have an ultra sound to all the other stuff. Still not feeling good from the last chemo treatment, I grew more and more tired and irritable. Now I’m not one to say anything, I can usually roll with the punches but yesterday I couldn’t, I really don’t even know where it came from, out of my mouth I guess.

While being checked in to see the doctor or anything I needed to do at the infusion center I first have to go through the nurses’ station. They take your blood pressure, check your pulse and weigh you in. Now I had been there three times this week and each time I explained to them that they couldn’t take my blood pressure. When you have had lymph nodes removed you can’t have blood pressure or blood test or anything on that arm every again so that leaves them my left arm to torture. Well on this day my left arm has a blood clot and an infection so probably not a good idea. She was ok with that but insisted on weighing me, what, you just weight me yesterday, and the day before! The older nurse turned red in the face and screamed “Mary just shut up and go with the program” wow, I think she too was having a bad day. The younger nurse was embarrassed so I chose to leave it alone and got weighed.

Once the doctor confirmed that I had an infection and left the room I decided it was time for me to just cry. My sister was with me and I apologized to her for having to be the one I cried on. I explained to her that usually I have one of the kids with me and I have to be strong for them but I guess I knew it was ok to have a pity party with her as my guest.

When my appointment with the doctor was wrapping up I ask him if I had to be weighed every time I came in, he said no, it’s your right to chose not to. I explained how irritated it made me to have to get on those scales day after day. Being silly he said he would make sure to tell them I needed to be weighted twice a day, we laughed and continued our check out process. Again I found myself in the office of the check in nurse, she gives me an appointment slip and says wait, he had something on his doctors order. She reads out loud, Please weight Mary twice a day. She then knew I had said something to him, I couldn’t believe he had written that on my chart. I thought it was pretty funny, but I don’t think she did. Oh well!

Footprints

January 27, 2011

I had an appointment scheduled to see my oncologists at 2:00 today and I was happy to get an opportunity to see him and ask some questions. As I was looking in the mirror I noticed that my arm with the picc line and now the blood clot looked red and swollen. I became very anxious and infection was my first thought, O Lord what next? I had to take a moment and tell myself that God is with me. I have had a problem feeling God close to me, I can’t explain it but I have struggled. It’s a feeling of despair that I can only explain as being so sick that I’ve been lost in the illness.
Sure enough the doctor confirmed that my arm was now infected and that the pic line needed to be removed. This thing has given me problems from the day they put it in; I was more than ready for them to remove it. He explained that It looked like I was allergic to the pic line and that is why I have had so many problems. He also confirmed that the clot was small and it shouldn’t give me any problems and then he said the words I had waited for, No more CHEMO! He believes it is doing me more harm than good and the treatments I did receive should be efficient. I couldn’t praise God enough! I had been so worried about my last chemo treatment I wasn’t sure if I could do it one more time.
Now I have been released to the radiologist for the next five weeks, and I’m ready. I have a short break before my first appointment so I hope I can get back to feeling good before starting the next phase of my treatment. I guess the side effects from radiation are nothing compared to the chemo, thank God!
As I sit and think about how hard the last couple days have been, it reminds me of a familiar poem and know that God has been carrying me.

Footprints

One night I had a dream--I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before me,I looked back at the footprints in the sand.I noticed that many times along the path of my life,there was only one set of footprints.I also noticed that it happened at the very lowestand saddest times in my life. This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you would walk with me all the way,but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my lifethere is only one set of footprints. "I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,you should leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. "When you saw only one set of footprints,it was then that I carried you."...Mary Stevenson

Trouble, Trouble, Trouble

Have you ever felt like you take ten steps forward and twenty steps back? After having a good day yester day, I woke this morning feeling quite awful. I had a pain in my arm, the one with the picc line. I first I thought I had sleep on it and made it sore but it wasn’t long before I knew it was something more. I waited for the clinic to open and was instructed to come in at 12:30; well it was 8:00 in the morning so the nurse must have not been too worried about it? Once again I called on Jake, I was going to drive myself but the kids didn’t like that idea. No doctor in today so I saw a nice lady they call a nurse practitioner. I was happy it wasn’t the weekend and I would have had to call the on call doctor, that usually my luck.
So they sent me for an ultra sound, only problem was they couldn’t get me in until 2:30, it was going to be a long day. The ultra sound seemed to take forever and sure enough I had one of the side effects I had read about. A bold clot, I couldn’t believe it, another bump in the road. It all sounded pretty alarming but they reassured me that they could give me blood thinners to dissolve the clot. One of the meds is in the form of a shot that I have to give myself in my tummy, sounds gross but I can do it the needle is kind of small. I guess in a couple days they will have to remove my picc line, and that could cause some problems for my last chemo treatment. I see my oncologist tomorrow so we’ll see what he has up his sleeve this time.

Slug Bug

January 25, 2011

Today I drove my car! I haven’t driven my car in, I’m not sure how long but I did today and it felt good. I’m not sure how to explain it but it made me feel like the person I was before I started this journey. Not that I don’t like the person I am now, I do, but the way I used to feel and the things I could do. I know I will be that person again but it’s nice to be able to just feel good even if it’s only for a short time. Another blessing, never take my health for granted, we never know what tomorrow brings so we need to enjoy every day that we have been given. I drove to Natures Market to pick up my vitamins and my weakness for shoes took me to the shoe store. They had a sale going on so how can a girl resist! I thought I would just look but ended up buying two pairs, I really don’t need any more shoes but I really like them. (I will tell you about my shoes someday, but I like purses even more) As I was leaving the store I spotted a rack full of scarves and a few hats. I’ve started to become picky about my hats and my new thing is scarves, I figured out how to tie them on my head and they are very comfortable and fun. I found four new scarves that are colorful and remind me of spring time.
I can hardly wait for nice weather so I can put the top down on my car and go for a drive. I would have to put my hair in a pony tail or tie it up on my head so the wind wouldn’t blow it in my face. I don’t think I will have that problem this spring or even summer!

Time With Jake

January 24, 2011

I can’t seem to get myself off of the nausea medication with this round of chemo. I was told that the new chemo medicine could cause more tummy problems and they were right, that’s exactly what they did. Being on the meds is not the end of the world but has kept me from my independence. They make me have a foggy medicine head so it’s not a good idea for me to drive my car. Even a quick trip to the store and I have to call someone to take me and be my driver, I don’t like to be Miss Daisy. I’ve been so independent for so long and I just hate asking, don’t ask me why. I think it’s another lesson for me to learn, it is ok to ask for help and not have to always be in control of everything.
So last week when I needed my picc line bandage changed my sister took me to my appointment, by Friday for some reason it started to bleed so my husband took me to the clinic before he headed to work. By Saturday morning it had bleed again? No one said why it’s doing this, only that it’s not good and I need to come in when it does. So I waited for Monday morning to arrive and once again was told to come in to get a fresh bandage. That made three bandages changes in just five days! Who could I bug now to give me a ride? Jake, my son-in-law! I wondered if he were busy? Jake has taken me to lots of appointments and he is dealing with a pretty severe health issue himself, I hate to bother him!
Although the trip to the clinic was short, Jake stayed by my side and even walked me to my door when we arrived home. I can see in his face the concern he has for me and I feel the love of a son when he is with me. Now who would have ever thought a son-in-law could feel this way about his mother-in-law? Just another blessing that I can count and one I will never take for granted!

Church

January 23, 2011

I missed church today; I’ve missed church for the last couple month. My favorite part of church is the praise and worship; it makes me feel good and lifts me up. Its seems when Sunday rolls around it’s either a Sunday right after a chemo treatment or a Sunday that my white blood count is to low and it would be bad to be in a crowd of people. I can’t wait to be back in the saddle so that I can attend church on a regular basis, it reminds of another thing I have always taken for granted.
I get up on Sunday morning and have what I call TV church. I watch Joel Olsten and Kerry Shook and some other on an occasion, sometimes I’m not sure just what type of religion I’m watching but I guess It doesn’t matter as long as it coming from the bible. I always enjoy the message but it’s just not the same as getting to go to the church. I miss every little part of the day from the beginning when I pass through the doors of the church and there’s always a smiling face to greet me, to the worship and message to the closing prayer. I love and embrace it all, so even though I am blessed with TV church it will never replace the real thing.

Hats

January 22, 2011

I never like to wear hats; I’m just not a hat kind of girl. First of all just like a wig they seem to be itchy and just not comfortable. Don’t get me wrong, when it snowing or just really cold outside I’ll wear a hat to keep my ears warm. I’m talking about an everyday hat or to just make a fashion statement hat, not a Mary Jane thing!
The day I found out I had to do the big C my daughter and I went to the mall to look at hats. I felt like hats were going to be a better choice than wigs although I bought a wig from a kiosk in the mall that night that turned to look awful on me. Joel’s wife loved it and she looks really cute in it, she even wears it on an occasion, I think she likes wigs. Now of course that was before I learned to call it cranial poetesses.
We didn’t have a clue about what kind of hats to buy but we thought we did. We spent the next couple hours trying on hats and bought six or seven cute hats that would turn out to be pretty useless. Being the middle of the winter we found lots of nice warm knit hat in different colors and styles and a couple cute caps.
The day I gave in and had my head shaved I tried on the hats and realized how hot it would be to have to wear a winter hat all day, I had one the fit loosely and was bearable. What was I going to do now? I decided that I would hide in the house and then quickly decided that wasn’t a good option.
I got on line and looked up chemo hats and found there’s a whole lot of people selling hats to cancer patients. They make all kinds and their not just any hats, they’ve been designed for bald heads and to cover the bald head and be comfortable. So I paid a little extra to get them shipped faster and waited.
During my chemo treatment my cousin came to visit and brought a gift, a much needed gift. She had made me some hats, I was so happy to have something I could wear now that was not only cute but comfortable. They were made of a really soft warm fleece, the kind your pajama bottoms are made of only softer.
The UPS man soon arrived and delivered the hats that I have now learned to call head covers. I tried them all on and was happy with most of them but I still wasn’t thrilled with the Idea of having to wear a hat all the time. My face is just not a hat face if that makes any sense at all but what were my choices at this point, I quickly decided I had better get used to it. The other option would be to just walk around bald headed, I have a nice round head and God blessed me with little ears but being bald gives me a naked feeling and not to mention its really cold. I know lots of bald men and not one of them let on how cold it is to be bald, I wonder why? I think it could be because they didn’t lose their hair all at once.
I bought a few really cute hats from the wig shop but they were priced so outrageous that I have continued to by my hats from the online shop called Head Covers. So when the day comes that my hair has returned and I no longer need hats, I think there will be a couple that I will never part with, I might even where them sometimes. The rest I will donate to the place that I get my chemo treatments so that someone who needs a hat will have lots to choose from.