The Fear of Being Closed In

Claustrophobia is usually described as a fear of enclosed places. A more accurate description might be 'a fear of not having an easy escape route' because for anyone who experiences this phobia this is the predominating feature - you feel a need to be able to get out or get home, quickly.

I’ve always been uncomfortable riding in an elevator and trips by plane make me a little uneasy but I never would have considered myself claustrophobic? I found this description and still have a hard time identifying with it.

Almost nine months ago when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer my surgeon wanted me to have a breast MRI, no big deal right! That’s what I thought but was I ever wrong. Having the procedure puts you into a very enclosed space and is very loud as the machine does its job taking pictures that can only be seen with the images that it produces. As you can imagine this can be very beneficial when trying to see small spots that might be hiding in the very complicated tissue of the breast.

So what happened was this, I had no idea I would have problems when I arrived for my MRI? My son-in-law and I laughed and joked on our way to the appointment but I was really good at putting on a happy face in the midst of all this. Every test I had made me uneasy with the fear of them finding something new looming over my head. Anyway, this test is a little different than a regular MRI, you lay on your tummy and each breast has like a hole it goes into and then kind of clamped in, then they put head phones on so you don’t hear the loud clanking of the machine. When the test begins the machine starts moving you into the enclosed tube backwards. I felt tied down and began to have a panic feeling, I tried to talk myself out of whatever was happening to me but my heart started to race and I knew I had lost. I quickly started pushing the panic button they had given me and the test was stopped before it was ever started. Now what? They rescheduled the test and I would take sedation before trying again. A week later the test was repeated with mild sedation and was still difficult, but I did it!

The results of the test were soon in and showed several little spots that were determined to be benign, so that was that.

So a week ago I receive a friendly message in the mail to let me know it‘s time for me to repeat my breast MRI. Are you kidding me, it feels like I just did that! Seems they want to look at all the little benign spots to make sure none of them have changed. As much as I don’t want to do this again I know it’s for my own good to make sure we know what is going on in theses boobs that tried to kill me once already. This time would be much easier knowing that I needed to be sedated before the procedure would make this trip a breeze.

I was instructed to arrive at my appointment an hour early so that I could first check in and be able to sign all the important papers. Once I was checked in I asked if I should take the little pill that was going to put me in a relaxed state for the procedure and most likely the rest of the day. I had requested something stronger this time and when giving the green flag I put the little pill in my mouth and washed it down with a big gulp of water.

The little yellow pill had not had the chance to take affect when the nurse called my name and had me put on the familiar gown and answer questions about allergic reactions. During this procedure an IV port is placed in your arm and during the imaging a contrast is pushed into you vein and dyes the tissue. Soon the man running the machine came to the waiting area and explained that he would have to reschedule my test because of a recent reaction I had to a new medication. I would have to be pre medicated with steroids and Benadryl OK?

I waited for a call from the center to reschedule the appointment and received a call yesterday. The woman on the phone explained that there had been a misunderstanding and they thought I had a reaction to the contrast dye. I had told her I had no problem with it the first time but between those who made the decision they had a miscommunication.

So I spent two days this week trying to get over the sedation from the test that didn’t happen. Oh well, I will do it again next week and just have to go with it, this time I will be sure to ask if all is well before I take that little yellow pill..

I Call Myself Blessed And All Is Well

May 22, 2011

Six weeks have passed from the day of my last radiation treatment; boy was I happy to get that over with! I was really excited the day when I walked away from that hospital, all my hopes and dreams seen to return and I knew it was time to try to get things back to normal. It seemed easy in my head but in real life nothing was going to come easy just yet. I think I slept the next two weeks and felt like I would never be able to stay awake again.

As the burns on my breast started to heal so did my body and mind and once I could wear a bra again I started venturing out more and more. Funny how when you have been that sick it seems that things seem to stand still. I was lying in my bed looking up at the ceiling when I noticed cob webs above my head, ok, that's enough, time to get this body moving. Although it all seems so oerwhelming I try to make myself finish at least one task a day, some days are better than others and I get more accomplished.

I have been so blesssed with my family and friends that continue to be with me still making sure of all my needs. In the last few days I have started the last part of my treatment in the form of a pill that I will have to take for the next 5 years. It has some undesirable side effects that I am not expecting for myself because if I feel that way I won't have them, right?

Now as I start to get my life going again I want to thank all of you for your loving care and all the prayers, I will stay in touch.

Let The Sun Shine

May 1, 2011
Looks like the sun has decided to make an appearance today! We had such a long cold and dark winter; I’m more than ready for summer this year. The day before Easter was so nice and it put me in the best mood, maybe I have a bit of that seasonal thing they talk about when not having much light can affect your mood. Who knows, I do know that when the sun shines it seems to make things brighter and put everyone in a better mood.

Seasonal Affective Disorder also called SAD is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. People that have this disorder have symptoms that start in the fall and continue into the winter months. I myself love the fall when the leaves start to change colors and you can feel a nip in the air. Right now I’m not at all interested in thinking about the fall; I’m much more interested in the blooming flowers and warm summer sun.

When I was a kid I would spend hours at the beach basking in the sun, I never had the type of skin that would tan; I always ended up with the worse sun burns and never thought a thing of it.

Now days all we hear about is the dangers of the sun and to use lots of sun screen. The sun is our main source of vitamin D so it is so important that we get whatever we can and to let it shine on us without sunscreen so that it can penetrate our skin and release some good O” vitamin D.

So when I was diagnosed with breast cancer they checked my vitamin D levels and my count was at a 9! What was it suppose to be? Seems it should be at least 30 but even better would be 50 to 60. I then learned that many deceases may be caused from lack of vitamin D, like MS, breast cancer and many more. People living in beautiful Washington State should all have their vitamin D levels checked.

Now we have to do a juggling act to make sure we protect our skin from the damaging rays from the sun at the same time making sure to get enough sun to make some vitamin D. They say 15 minutes will do the trick, so before putting on that sunscreen sit or play in the sun for at least 15 minutes every day. You can even get sun rays when we have clouds but most people living in this neck of the woods should take a vitamin D supplement. At your next doctor’s appointment I would ask him or her to check your vitamin D levels just to be on the safe side.

Today with spring in the air and summer just around the corner I look forward to lots of fun in the sun!

Choices

I was shopping at Fred Meyer when a lady looking at bathing suits struck up a conversation with me about the current coupon sale that would only last until 1:00 that day. I’m a talker and so was she so you can only imagine, our conversation lasted to the point that we almost missed out on the time limit. During the course of the conversation we both realized we were Christians and had something in common. It was the day before Easter and my cart was filled with eggs, chocolate bunnies and lots of pastels. By the end of our visit I learned she was a Jehovah Witness. Now I know just a little about this particular belief but the thing that stands out in my mind the most is when I was a child the Jehovah Witness kids couldn’t celebrate any of the holidays including Christmas and Easter or even their Birthday. I could never understand why they wouldn’t recognize the Christian holidays?
Today I have a better understanding of why some religions have made the choices they have in their teaching. If you are reading this please remember that I respect your belief and know you feel the same about mine. I’m so thankful to be blessed to have the choices to choose the way I worship and believe.
So this is what I have learned:

Easter
The word Easter can be traced back to ancient England.
Today Easter is a purely Christian term, however it has a very dark past indeed. Now I am sharing this with you not to ruin your Easter Celebration, but to share the truth with you. Also let us keep in mind that most Christian Holidays came from ancient pagan Holidays as well. The word "Easter" does not appear even one time in the Original Transcripts. After all there are no Hebrew or Greek words for it. In the Original Manuscripts it uses the Hebrew word [ pesach ] which means Passover, the same applies to the New Testament in the Greek Transcripts [ paschal ] as well. In fact the first time that Easter ever appeared in our Bible was with the very first King James Bible in the 1600's, and it was used only one time in that Bible, that was in ( Acts 12:4 ) where it was substituted for the word Passover, by whom we do not know. So where did the word "Easter" come from anyway? Surprise, surprise, a Pagan Holiday which was in honor of a their goddess of the dawn, of spring, and of reproduction. Now an ancient Babylonian legend had it that a giant egg fell from heaven, was rolled ashore by the little fishes, and hatched by doves into Ishtar, or Aahtoreth. This legend over time became known even in Europe, and became firmly entrenched in ancient Britain and was celebrated during the Vernal Equinox. The name Ashtoreth was transliterated into the Gaelic tongue as "Eastre." This was a form of Baal worship. ( One might note that whenever Baal worship was practiced, it included animal and human sacrifices involving children! During this festival pagan priests called Druids preformed religious rites involving dancing around phallic pillars, temple prostitution, and sacrifices in honor of Eastre. Also eggs have always been associated with her, and wherever Baal worship has appeared. Thus Easter eggs are part of the ancient celebration of the goddess as well. The Easter Bunny is a more recent twist on an ancient theme, inspired by the same spirit, rabbits have long been associated with reproduction and with Ashtoreth, or Eastre. Now since the pagans were already celebrating their holiday at about the same time as Passover, the Church once again decided to sanctify their holy day as a method of converting pagans to Christianity. So why not chance the name just a little, clean it up and get rid of their sacrifices, and make it a Christian Holy Day. It was then that Eastre's day became known as Easter. Also, remember our old friend Constantine the Roman emperor? The man who decided to change the Sabbath from the seventh day to the first day of the week, and then muscled the Church into accepting that. The man who dared to change God's Word, well he struck again. You see Constantine convened the council of Nicaea in 325 A.D. a council that he hand picked I might add. This council unanimously ruled that the Easter festival should be celebrated throughout the Christian World on the first Sunday after the full moon following the vernal equinox; and if the full moon should occur on a Sunday and thereby coincide with the Passover festival, Easter should by moved to the following Sunday. Therefore Easter and Passover would become separated, and have been ever since. Of course, in the modern World today the term Easter has become a purely Christian word. No one offers their children before phallic poles, or worships the statue of a woman with many breasts on Easter day. But Christ is equally pushed out, and I can't help but believe that our old enemy 'satan' is behind the whole affair. He simply kept introducing distractions such as eggs, bunnies, Easter baskets until the resurrection of Jesus became an afterthought, and finally not thought of at all, except by a very few. Thus the true significance, of Christ's triumphal victory over death itself, is lost in the shuffle I am sorry to say.

This was all new to me and helped me to understand all the different types of worship or choices not to celebrate the holiday.

I know that he died for me and Easter is a new day, a reminder that he has risen and I am forgiven.

Thank you Pastor Allen for this lesson.

Healthy Me Smoothie

April 14, 2011 So here I am almost two weeks without any type of treatment and I still have unbelievable fatigue. It’s really frustrating, it’s not the kind of fatigue that just makes you tired, it’s that kind you just can’t break through. They say that getting exercise will make it better but then I have to talk myself into some type of physical activity. I ride my exercise bike and it really does help but I would much rather swim and swimming has to wait until my skin is completely healed from the radiation burns.

I think I mentioned that I had made an appointment with a doctor that practices western and eastern medicine. It was nice to talk with a doctor that didn’t just want to give me more medicine but the amount of veggies she wanted me to eat in a day was crazy, so instead of feeling like a rabbit I purchased a juicer and have no problem getting in all the veggies I need in a day. It’s really filling and helps with the low energy; I’ve even lost a few pounds without even trying.

If you would like to try juicing and don’t have a juicer, I got mine at Fred Meyer for $79 and it’s a Juice Man, so it’s a good one. You won’t believe the veggies combinations and the tricks you can use to disguise the taste of some of the not so yummy but good for you veggies.

I buy organic veggies and cost is not that much different and really worth not having to worry about the chemicals. Some fruits and vegetables with thick skins like bananas don’t need to be the organic ones.

I will share some of my recipes with you and if you have ideas you want to share I would like that too.

Mary’s Healthy Me Smoothie Make sure to wash all you fruit and veggies really good (of course)

Kale-one bunch (1 lb.)

Broccoli-one stock w/florets

Beet root-one w/green tops included

Carrot-one

After juicing the veggies above put the juice in a blender with equal amounts of pineapple juice, three strawberries and one banana. Enjoy!

O' Happy Day!

April 5, 2011

It’s hard to believe that today makes seven months from the day I found that ugly lump in my breast. September 5th was that day that would change my life forever. It’s been a long seven months and although it has been painful and scary I feel like it has changed me and in a good way.

I thought I knew a lot about breast cancer but come to find out I knew very little. Did you know that one in every eight women will get breast cancer? Pretty scary stuff! I had the most common type of breast cancer; about 75% of women diagnosed have this type. I was very blessed to not have any cancer in my lymph nodes and the lumpectomy left me with very little scaring. My tumor was driven by hormones so I will take a pill for the next five years that will block the hormone estrogen from my breast and this will give me more assurance that my cancer will not return.

Now it’s time to get back to living my life and I can hardly wait to get my energy back and be able to do the things that I miss. I thank my family and friends for being there and I thank God for giving me my precious wonderful life.

Whispers

March 27, 2011

I’m so ready to be normal again! Whatever normal is I could sure use something close. Here I sit with one boob that looks like it has seen way to much sun with the rest of me looking lily white. Oh well they say in time it will be back to its normal color and my body parts will all match again.

Last week I decided I would venture out in public without a head cover, no hat and no wig. I still have very little hair, but it’s there and I’m kind of excited about it. While I was at my radiation appointment it didn’t seem to faze any of them so on my way home I stopped at sports authority to see about buying an abs lounger. I was no sooner out of my car when I could feel the eyes of the people around me staring and wondering. I started wondering myself what could they be thinking, they have to know that it’s from cancer treatment but then again maybe they don’t know? I tried to remember how I looked at people who were different before my diagnoses, and I guess it’s hard because unless you have been there you don’t know. The young guy they sent to help me in the exercise equipment department had a look on his face of fear. I could only imagine what he was thinking? He let me know they didn’t have what I was looking for and maybe I should go to Wal-Mart. Not a very pushy sales guy? I remembered how I used to think that people lost their hair because of the cancer and didn’t know it was because of the treatment they have to go through. Maybe he thought I had something contagious?

I’m not sure what I was thinking when I went out today without covering my head. I truly don’t like to be noticed and today I was not only noticed but was the topic of many whispers. I guess it’s ok because now I know what it’s like to be different and I can look at the rest of the world in a different way now. Not one of us knows what tomorrow will bring or what hurdles we will have to go over. Our life’s can change in the blink of an eye and we can be the one that is different. Although my hair will grow back and I will blend into the crowd again, I will always remember to be different is a gift from God that only makes us stronger and more compassionate to others.