Trouble, Trouble, Trouble

Have you ever felt like you take ten steps forward and twenty steps back? After having a good day yester day, I woke this morning feeling quite awful. I had a pain in my arm, the one with the picc line. I first I thought I had sleep on it and made it sore but it wasn’t long before I knew it was something more. I waited for the clinic to open and was instructed to come in at 12:30; well it was 8:00 in the morning so the nurse must have not been too worried about it? Once again I called on Jake, I was going to drive myself but the kids didn’t like that idea. No doctor in today so I saw a nice lady they call a nurse practitioner. I was happy it wasn’t the weekend and I would have had to call the on call doctor, that usually my luck.
So they sent me for an ultra sound, only problem was they couldn’t get me in until 2:30, it was going to be a long day. The ultra sound seemed to take forever and sure enough I had one of the side effects I had read about. A bold clot, I couldn’t believe it, another bump in the road. It all sounded pretty alarming but they reassured me that they could give me blood thinners to dissolve the clot. One of the meds is in the form of a shot that I have to give myself in my tummy, sounds gross but I can do it the needle is kind of small. I guess in a couple days they will have to remove my picc line, and that could cause some problems for my last chemo treatment. I see my oncologist tomorrow so we’ll see what he has up his sleeve this time.

Slug Bug

January 25, 2011

Today I drove my car! I haven’t driven my car in, I’m not sure how long but I did today and it felt good. I’m not sure how to explain it but it made me feel like the person I was before I started this journey. Not that I don’t like the person I am now, I do, but the way I used to feel and the things I could do. I know I will be that person again but it’s nice to be able to just feel good even if it’s only for a short time. Another blessing, never take my health for granted, we never know what tomorrow brings so we need to enjoy every day that we have been given. I drove to Natures Market to pick up my vitamins and my weakness for shoes took me to the shoe store. They had a sale going on so how can a girl resist! I thought I would just look but ended up buying two pairs, I really don’t need any more shoes but I really like them. (I will tell you about my shoes someday, but I like purses even more) As I was leaving the store I spotted a rack full of scarves and a few hats. I’ve started to become picky about my hats and my new thing is scarves, I figured out how to tie them on my head and they are very comfortable and fun. I found four new scarves that are colorful and remind me of spring time.
I can hardly wait for nice weather so I can put the top down on my car and go for a drive. I would have to put my hair in a pony tail or tie it up on my head so the wind wouldn’t blow it in my face. I don’t think I will have that problem this spring or even summer!

Time With Jake

January 24, 2011

I can’t seem to get myself off of the nausea medication with this round of chemo. I was told that the new chemo medicine could cause more tummy problems and they were right, that’s exactly what they did. Being on the meds is not the end of the world but has kept me from my independence. They make me have a foggy medicine head so it’s not a good idea for me to drive my car. Even a quick trip to the store and I have to call someone to take me and be my driver, I don’t like to be Miss Daisy. I’ve been so independent for so long and I just hate asking, don’t ask me why. I think it’s another lesson for me to learn, it is ok to ask for help and not have to always be in control of everything.
So last week when I needed my picc line bandage changed my sister took me to my appointment, by Friday for some reason it started to bleed so my husband took me to the clinic before he headed to work. By Saturday morning it had bleed again? No one said why it’s doing this, only that it’s not good and I need to come in when it does. So I waited for Monday morning to arrive and once again was told to come in to get a fresh bandage. That made three bandages changes in just five days! Who could I bug now to give me a ride? Jake, my son-in-law! I wondered if he were busy? Jake has taken me to lots of appointments and he is dealing with a pretty severe health issue himself, I hate to bother him!
Although the trip to the clinic was short, Jake stayed by my side and even walked me to my door when we arrived home. I can see in his face the concern he has for me and I feel the love of a son when he is with me. Now who would have ever thought a son-in-law could feel this way about his mother-in-law? Just another blessing that I can count and one I will never take for granted!

Church

January 23, 2011

I missed church today; I’ve missed church for the last couple month. My favorite part of church is the praise and worship; it makes me feel good and lifts me up. Its seems when Sunday rolls around it’s either a Sunday right after a chemo treatment or a Sunday that my white blood count is to low and it would be bad to be in a crowd of people. I can’t wait to be back in the saddle so that I can attend church on a regular basis, it reminds of another thing I have always taken for granted.
I get up on Sunday morning and have what I call TV church. I watch Joel Olsten and Kerry Shook and some other on an occasion, sometimes I’m not sure just what type of religion I’m watching but I guess It doesn’t matter as long as it coming from the bible. I always enjoy the message but it’s just not the same as getting to go to the church. I miss every little part of the day from the beginning when I pass through the doors of the church and there’s always a smiling face to greet me, to the worship and message to the closing prayer. I love and embrace it all, so even though I am blessed with TV church it will never replace the real thing.

Hats

January 22, 2011

I never like to wear hats; I’m just not a hat kind of girl. First of all just like a wig they seem to be itchy and just not comfortable. Don’t get me wrong, when it snowing or just really cold outside I’ll wear a hat to keep my ears warm. I’m talking about an everyday hat or to just make a fashion statement hat, not a Mary Jane thing!
The day I found out I had to do the big C my daughter and I went to the mall to look at hats. I felt like hats were going to be a better choice than wigs although I bought a wig from a kiosk in the mall that night that turned to look awful on me. Joel’s wife loved it and she looks really cute in it, she even wears it on an occasion, I think she likes wigs. Now of course that was before I learned to call it cranial poetesses.
We didn’t have a clue about what kind of hats to buy but we thought we did. We spent the next couple hours trying on hats and bought six or seven cute hats that would turn out to be pretty useless. Being the middle of the winter we found lots of nice warm knit hat in different colors and styles and a couple cute caps.
The day I gave in and had my head shaved I tried on the hats and realized how hot it would be to have to wear a winter hat all day, I had one the fit loosely and was bearable. What was I going to do now? I decided that I would hide in the house and then quickly decided that wasn’t a good option.
I got on line and looked up chemo hats and found there’s a whole lot of people selling hats to cancer patients. They make all kinds and their not just any hats, they’ve been designed for bald heads and to cover the bald head and be comfortable. So I paid a little extra to get them shipped faster and waited.
During my chemo treatment my cousin came to visit and brought a gift, a much needed gift. She had made me some hats, I was so happy to have something I could wear now that was not only cute but comfortable. They were made of a really soft warm fleece, the kind your pajama bottoms are made of only softer.
The UPS man soon arrived and delivered the hats that I have now learned to call head covers. I tried them all on and was happy with most of them but I still wasn’t thrilled with the Idea of having to wear a hat all the time. My face is just not a hat face if that makes any sense at all but what were my choices at this point, I quickly decided I had better get used to it. The other option would be to just walk around bald headed, I have a nice round head and God blessed me with little ears but being bald gives me a naked feeling and not to mention its really cold. I know lots of bald men and not one of them let on how cold it is to be bald, I wonder why? I think it could be because they didn’t lose their hair all at once.
I bought a few really cute hats from the wig shop but they were priced so outrageous that I have continued to by my hats from the online shop called Head Covers. So when the day comes that my hair has returned and I no longer need hats, I think there will be a couple that I will never part with, I might even where them sometimes. The rest I will donate to the place that I get my chemo treatments so that someone who needs a hat will have lots to choose from.

Don't Wish It Away

Today I found myself looking at the calendar trying to put the days behind me, now I’ve never been one to do this. I believe, as I have said in the past, that every day is a gift and to hold on and embrace every moment. Well with the situation at hand, how do I continue to be true to myself? With a family as large as ours it seem not a month goes by that were not celebrating a Birthday and so all I have to do is look at my grandkids and see the years passing by way too fast. Most of them are now taller than me, and I’m not talking by a little bit, it’s a lot! I do believe that there is one that will never pass me by, she’s almost 17 and I think she might be at her tallest. Now that’s not to say that as I grow old, I’ve been told that people shrink, so maybe that’s when she will pass me by. I’ll just continue to enjoy her shrimpness for now. (I don’t think shrimpness is a word, but I’m going with it anyway).
I love the summer months, I know we don’t have many of them, but I’ve lived in this area all my life and still can’t say I love the rain as many Washington people do. If I think of the summer months that are just around the corner I get really excited! Of course, I will have chemo behind me, radiation will be complete and my energy will have started to return and hey, the hair will have started to grow. Who could ask for more? During the summer months we get together in my back yard for every occasion, if we haven’t something to celebrate we makeup something, and I’m not kidding, one time we celebrated because I got a new hairdryer, for real.
With my high anxiety I’ve been told to meditate; now how do I do that? I’ve been so busy in the last few years I have never taken time to just sit and meditate and believe me it’s not an easy thing to wrap your mind around. I started by listening to some relaxation CD’s and trying to figure out how to clear my mind and just concentrate on nothing. It takes some practice but soon I realized that I had been meditating for years when I talk with God. I could close my eyes and see my family in the backyard, the kids all dancing and playing, the BBQ fired up and laughter from the family. I could even feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. (Then I realized it was really a hot flash).
On this journey I know there is something new for me every day and although some days I really don’t want to know, I’m growing because of it. So on this cold and rainy January day I will remember how important every minute of every day is and when things get hard I can still embrace the day and all it has to offer.

The Almost Perfect Day

January 20, 2011
Today was almost a perfect day, although I am still feeling the chemo affects, my body is starting to rebound. I feel my body fighting but I also know that in a few days my white blood count will hit its low so I can’t be too cocky. My sister agreed to take me to an appointment to visit the chemo nurses for a new dressing on my picc line. I will have to go weekly to get a new bandage. Before my diagnosis’s she and I would meet for lunch once a week at a local restaurant. We worked together for over twenty years and really enjoy one another’s company. I can’t wait to be able to do the little things again, today I thought about how much I had taken them for granted. When we arrived at the clinic we realized that we were right on time so she dropped me off out front and went to park the car. This is the same clinic that she and I had taken our mother to for many years when she had became ill. When I went to see this doctor for the first time the memories came flooding in, but it was ok, I love remembering moments spent with my mom. My sister made a comment about where she used to park when she would bring mom to the clinic and I knew she too was having moments to remember. After the brief visit and a fresh new bandage we were on our way home, it felt good to get out of the house and to breathe in the fresh new air. When my sister had left, I sat exhausted, I closed my eyes and thought about what an almost perfect day it had been!