My Mountain

Sometimes I feel like I’m climbing a mountain and can’t seem to get to the top. On Tuesday when I went to have my Biopsy I felt like the mountain that has been in front of me suddenly had gotten bigger. Just when I thought I was at the top the top seemed farther away than ever. I have to say this time was not near as scary as the first time, something about the fear of the unknown that makes it harder. This time I felt like a pro. I didn’t even take the little pill to make you relax and take the edge off. I didn’t want the entire day to be ruined again with that dopy feeling.


When I arrived at the Breast Center I soon found myself in that room again with women sitting in white robes staring at magazines. When my name was called the nurse laughed when I ask her if it was my turn for my facial. I really love how this place looks like a spa but is so far from it. This biopsy was much more difficult than the first one. My first tumor was close to the surface, this spot was near my chest wall. The nurse located the spot and the doctor started to numb my skin and deep into the tissue of my breast. It wasn’t fun and it took almost an entire hour for her to finish the procedure. I asked God to be with me and to give me peace.

I am happy to announce that the results are in and I Praise God the lump is BENGIN no cancer. Now I have been told by some that I am brave and that I am strong and I never really felt like I was either. But today I feel both and I am at the top of my mountain.

PS Thank you for praying for me and my family, we are Blessed by You!

I Said A Prayer For You Today

Waiting is so hard, this entire experience has made me become more patient but I still get butterflies in stomach when I get a call from one of my doctors. The phone finally rang and it was his nurse calling to let me know that he would like for me to go ahead with the biopsy next week. She explained that if this spot is truly a cyst then a marker would be put into place so that follow up mammograms would show the spot that had already been tested and not always be a question. They will give me my results for this test next Friday during a scheduled appointment I have in the late afternoon.


Next week I have my appointment scheduled at the Carol Milgard Breast Center in Tacoma. This is the biggest center I have ever seen dedicated to just breast health. The last year I have made many visits to the center and this is where I will have my biopsy this time as the spot is very small and these guys are the experts. The MRI’s, mammograms and the ultra sound’s have all been kind of a blur to me as I was so caught up in my condition. Last week at my visit to the center I started to notice my surroundings. This place resembles a spa, and its appearance on the outside is very beautiful. At this particular appointment I had been placed in a room with several other women that had mammograms and something in question had been seen on the test. The next step was to get an ultra sound so that a decision could be made to do a biopsy. I tried to look at a magazine and relax but found it really hard to concentrate. Thoughts started flooding my mind of the day they had first found the lump in my breast. I looked around the room at the faces of the other women in the room and could see and feel the presents of fear that filled them. Breast cancer doesn’t care who you are, there was young women old ones fat ones and skinny ones, all of us facing the same fear. I was different now and realized it at this very moment. I knew what was on every mind in the room, is it benign or malignant, has it spread to my lymph nodes? Will they have to take my entire breast off or will I have a lumpectomy? Has this cancer spread to other areas of my body, how will I take care of my family? Will my husband still love me with changes and scares my body will have forever? For some it was just the beginning of the journey that I have already started.

One girl stood out to me from the time I saw her. I could tell by the look on her face she was terrified. She must have been about the same age as my oldest daughter, somewhere in her middle thirties. She was a beautiful girl with long curly hair and a long slender body. She ended up in that room with the rest of us waiting for an ultra sound and was called into a room about the same time as myself. As the appointment ended I found myself in a dressing room putting clothing back on when I could hear someone crying. It was a quiet cry and a feeling of sadness ran through my entire body. When I left the dressing room she and I locked eyes and I could feel her hurt and I wanted to tell her she would be ok and she could do this but the words wouldn’t come. She was on my mind the entire day.

Yesterday as the day ended I said a prayer for the young woman and asked God to keep her near to him and to carry her as he has done for me.



I said a prayer for you today, and knew God must have heard.
I felt the answer in my heart, although he spoke no words.
I didn’t ask for wealth or fame, I knew you wouldn’t mind.
I asked him to send treasures of a far more lasting kind.
I asked that he’d be near you in all things great and small, but it was for his loving care I prayed for most of all.

God Bless

Giving It To God

June 9, 2011


After being diagnosed and treated for breast cancer I suppose it takes time to be able to relax. Nine long months have come and gone since the day I discovered that scary lump in my breast. Now in this stage of the game I have been busy with all the doctors that have been involved in my journey to get me cancer free. It’s been the time that I have looked forward to after a long road and it’s been nice to have my little reunions. I’ve heard lots of congratulations’ and definitely more comments on my new hair than I can count.

Last week I saw my surgeon for my final follow up appointment and he asked me to have a mammogram and an ultra sound so he would have on file what he called a baseline. He explained that this would be a good thing to have so that in the future we could compare any other suspicious findings and know if there had been any changes to them. In the beginning of my treatment a breast MRI had shown two small places that had caused him concern in addition to the tumor that we knew was cancer. He had actually asked the center to do biopsies on them but they assured him they were nothing but tiny cyst. When he performed my original lumpectomy he actually removed one of them because it was so close the cancerous tumor and it was just as they said absolutely nothing.

Yesterday I attended my palliates session and then made my way to Tacoma to my scheduled appointment at the Breast Center. Mammograms are never fun, some of you will agree but they are really not fun when you have a boob that has been through two surgeries and all that radiation, ouch! Next was the ultra sound and half way through this test the technician left to go fetch the radiologist that could read what she was seeing. What now! She explained that she thought it was the same little spot that was seen months ago, when I was told it was just a cyst but she would like to do a biopsy on it anyway? I made the appointment for the procedure to be done next week and was on my way home.

As I started down the freeway I said a little prayer and asked God to be my co pilot, my mind was all over the place. Then the what if’s started to take over. What if we had just done those biopsies in the beginning? What if the surgeon had just removed that cyst at the same time as my original surgery? What if it is cancer? What if I have to do all this treatment again? By the time I arrived at home I had come to the conclusion that I would call my surgeon and just ask him to remove the lump, I decided that I would not let this spot that is now in my left breast haunt me another day.

Now as I wait for a call from the surgeon I give this all to God, all the worries and negative thoughts, I will pray away and if you would remember to say a little prayer in my behalf I’m sure this will all be over soon.

I will keep you posted!

The Fear of Being Closed In

Claustrophobia is usually described as a fear of enclosed places. A more accurate description might be 'a fear of not having an easy escape route' because for anyone who experiences this phobia this is the predominating feature - you feel a need to be able to get out or get home, quickly.

I’ve always been uncomfortable riding in an elevator and trips by plane make me a little uneasy but I never would have considered myself claustrophobic? I found this description and still have a hard time identifying with it.

Almost nine months ago when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer my surgeon wanted me to have a breast MRI, no big deal right! That’s what I thought but was I ever wrong. Having the procedure puts you into a very enclosed space and is very loud as the machine does its job taking pictures that can only be seen with the images that it produces. As you can imagine this can be very beneficial when trying to see small spots that might be hiding in the very complicated tissue of the breast.

So what happened was this, I had no idea I would have problems when I arrived for my MRI? My son-in-law and I laughed and joked on our way to the appointment but I was really good at putting on a happy face in the midst of all this. Every test I had made me uneasy with the fear of them finding something new looming over my head. Anyway, this test is a little different than a regular MRI, you lay on your tummy and each breast has like a hole it goes into and then kind of clamped in, then they put head phones on so you don’t hear the loud clanking of the machine. When the test begins the machine starts moving you into the enclosed tube backwards. I felt tied down and began to have a panic feeling, I tried to talk myself out of whatever was happening to me but my heart started to race and I knew I had lost. I quickly started pushing the panic button they had given me and the test was stopped before it was ever started. Now what? They rescheduled the test and I would take sedation before trying again. A week later the test was repeated with mild sedation and was still difficult, but I did it!

The results of the test were soon in and showed several little spots that were determined to be benign, so that was that.

So a week ago I receive a friendly message in the mail to let me know it‘s time for me to repeat my breast MRI. Are you kidding me, it feels like I just did that! Seems they want to look at all the little benign spots to make sure none of them have changed. As much as I don’t want to do this again I know it’s for my own good to make sure we know what is going on in theses boobs that tried to kill me once already. This time would be much easier knowing that I needed to be sedated before the procedure would make this trip a breeze.

I was instructed to arrive at my appointment an hour early so that I could first check in and be able to sign all the important papers. Once I was checked in I asked if I should take the little pill that was going to put me in a relaxed state for the procedure and most likely the rest of the day. I had requested something stronger this time and when giving the green flag I put the little pill in my mouth and washed it down with a big gulp of water.

The little yellow pill had not had the chance to take affect when the nurse called my name and had me put on the familiar gown and answer questions about allergic reactions. During this procedure an IV port is placed in your arm and during the imaging a contrast is pushed into you vein and dyes the tissue. Soon the man running the machine came to the waiting area and explained that he would have to reschedule my test because of a recent reaction I had to a new medication. I would have to be pre medicated with steroids and Benadryl OK?

I waited for a call from the center to reschedule the appointment and received a call yesterday. The woman on the phone explained that there had been a misunderstanding and they thought I had a reaction to the contrast dye. I had told her I had no problem with it the first time but between those who made the decision they had a miscommunication.

So I spent two days this week trying to get over the sedation from the test that didn’t happen. Oh well, I will do it again next week and just have to go with it, this time I will be sure to ask if all is well before I take that little yellow pill..

I Call Myself Blessed And All Is Well

May 22, 2011

Six weeks have passed from the day of my last radiation treatment; boy was I happy to get that over with! I was really excited the day when I walked away from that hospital, all my hopes and dreams seen to return and I knew it was time to try to get things back to normal. It seemed easy in my head but in real life nothing was going to come easy just yet. I think I slept the next two weeks and felt like I would never be able to stay awake again.

As the burns on my breast started to heal so did my body and mind and once I could wear a bra again I started venturing out more and more. Funny how when you have been that sick it seems that things seem to stand still. I was lying in my bed looking up at the ceiling when I noticed cob webs above my head, ok, that's enough, time to get this body moving. Although it all seems so oerwhelming I try to make myself finish at least one task a day, some days are better than others and I get more accomplished.

I have been so blesssed with my family and friends that continue to be with me still making sure of all my needs. In the last few days I have started the last part of my treatment in the form of a pill that I will have to take for the next 5 years. It has some undesirable side effects that I am not expecting for myself because if I feel that way I won't have them, right?

Now as I start to get my life going again I want to thank all of you for your loving care and all the prayers, I will stay in touch.

Let The Sun Shine

May 1, 2011
Looks like the sun has decided to make an appearance today! We had such a long cold and dark winter; I’m more than ready for summer this year. The day before Easter was so nice and it put me in the best mood, maybe I have a bit of that seasonal thing they talk about when not having much light can affect your mood. Who knows, I do know that when the sun shines it seems to make things brighter and put everyone in a better mood.

Seasonal Affective Disorder also called SAD is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. People that have this disorder have symptoms that start in the fall and continue into the winter months. I myself love the fall when the leaves start to change colors and you can feel a nip in the air. Right now I’m not at all interested in thinking about the fall; I’m much more interested in the blooming flowers and warm summer sun.

When I was a kid I would spend hours at the beach basking in the sun, I never had the type of skin that would tan; I always ended up with the worse sun burns and never thought a thing of it.

Now days all we hear about is the dangers of the sun and to use lots of sun screen. The sun is our main source of vitamin D so it is so important that we get whatever we can and to let it shine on us without sunscreen so that it can penetrate our skin and release some good O” vitamin D.

So when I was diagnosed with breast cancer they checked my vitamin D levels and my count was at a 9! What was it suppose to be? Seems it should be at least 30 but even better would be 50 to 60. I then learned that many deceases may be caused from lack of vitamin D, like MS, breast cancer and many more. People living in beautiful Washington State should all have their vitamin D levels checked.

Now we have to do a juggling act to make sure we protect our skin from the damaging rays from the sun at the same time making sure to get enough sun to make some vitamin D. They say 15 minutes will do the trick, so before putting on that sunscreen sit or play in the sun for at least 15 minutes every day. You can even get sun rays when we have clouds but most people living in this neck of the woods should take a vitamin D supplement. At your next doctor’s appointment I would ask him or her to check your vitamin D levels just to be on the safe side.

Today with spring in the air and summer just around the corner I look forward to lots of fun in the sun!

Choices

I was shopping at Fred Meyer when a lady looking at bathing suits struck up a conversation with me about the current coupon sale that would only last until 1:00 that day. I’m a talker and so was she so you can only imagine, our conversation lasted to the point that we almost missed out on the time limit. During the course of the conversation we both realized we were Christians and had something in common. It was the day before Easter and my cart was filled with eggs, chocolate bunnies and lots of pastels. By the end of our visit I learned she was a Jehovah Witness. Now I know just a little about this particular belief but the thing that stands out in my mind the most is when I was a child the Jehovah Witness kids couldn’t celebrate any of the holidays including Christmas and Easter or even their Birthday. I could never understand why they wouldn’t recognize the Christian holidays?
Today I have a better understanding of why some religions have made the choices they have in their teaching. If you are reading this please remember that I respect your belief and know you feel the same about mine. I’m so thankful to be blessed to have the choices to choose the way I worship and believe.
So this is what I have learned:

Easter
The word Easter can be traced back to ancient England.
Today Easter is a purely Christian term, however it has a very dark past indeed. Now I am sharing this with you not to ruin your Easter Celebration, but to share the truth with you. Also let us keep in mind that most Christian Holidays came from ancient pagan Holidays as well. The word "Easter" does not appear even one time in the Original Transcripts. After all there are no Hebrew or Greek words for it. In the Original Manuscripts it uses the Hebrew word [ pesach ] which means Passover, the same applies to the New Testament in the Greek Transcripts [ paschal ] as well. In fact the first time that Easter ever appeared in our Bible was with the very first King James Bible in the 1600's, and it was used only one time in that Bible, that was in ( Acts 12:4 ) where it was substituted for the word Passover, by whom we do not know. So where did the word "Easter" come from anyway? Surprise, surprise, a Pagan Holiday which was in honor of a their goddess of the dawn, of spring, and of reproduction. Now an ancient Babylonian legend had it that a giant egg fell from heaven, was rolled ashore by the little fishes, and hatched by doves into Ishtar, or Aahtoreth. This legend over time became known even in Europe, and became firmly entrenched in ancient Britain and was celebrated during the Vernal Equinox. The name Ashtoreth was transliterated into the Gaelic tongue as "Eastre." This was a form of Baal worship. ( One might note that whenever Baal worship was practiced, it included animal and human sacrifices involving children! During this festival pagan priests called Druids preformed religious rites involving dancing around phallic pillars, temple prostitution, and sacrifices in honor of Eastre. Also eggs have always been associated with her, and wherever Baal worship has appeared. Thus Easter eggs are part of the ancient celebration of the goddess as well. The Easter Bunny is a more recent twist on an ancient theme, inspired by the same spirit, rabbits have long been associated with reproduction and with Ashtoreth, or Eastre. Now since the pagans were already celebrating their holiday at about the same time as Passover, the Church once again decided to sanctify their holy day as a method of converting pagans to Christianity. So why not chance the name just a little, clean it up and get rid of their sacrifices, and make it a Christian Holy Day. It was then that Eastre's day became known as Easter. Also, remember our old friend Constantine the Roman emperor? The man who decided to change the Sabbath from the seventh day to the first day of the week, and then muscled the Church into accepting that. The man who dared to change God's Word, well he struck again. You see Constantine convened the council of Nicaea in 325 A.D. a council that he hand picked I might add. This council unanimously ruled that the Easter festival should be celebrated throughout the Christian World on the first Sunday after the full moon following the vernal equinox; and if the full moon should occur on a Sunday and thereby coincide with the Passover festival, Easter should by moved to the following Sunday. Therefore Easter and Passover would become separated, and have been ever since. Of course, in the modern World today the term Easter has become a purely Christian word. No one offers their children before phallic poles, or worships the statue of a woman with many breasts on Easter day. But Christ is equally pushed out, and I can't help but believe that our old enemy 'satan' is behind the whole affair. He simply kept introducing distractions such as eggs, bunnies, Easter baskets until the resurrection of Jesus became an afterthought, and finally not thought of at all, except by a very few. Thus the true significance, of Christ's triumphal victory over death itself, is lost in the shuffle I am sorry to say.

This was all new to me and helped me to understand all the different types of worship or choices not to celebrate the holiday.

I know that he died for me and Easter is a new day, a reminder that he has risen and I am forgiven.

Thank you Pastor Allen for this lesson.