I'm Not Alone

Today I made the decision that I would not sleep the day away, first things first, so I went for a bike ride. I have been told the more I exercise the more energy I will have. I’m not sure how that works but it does. I made it five hours before it was nap time and I felt like I could have sleep the day away again but quickly made the decision to not let it happen, so I made a plan to go to the mall. I’m a little uneasy about going out alone but thought it was time. I love going to the mall with the kids but when I want to do some serious shopping I like to go alone.
On my way I stopped at a convenient store for bottled water, not feeling very confident in my wig, I ask the clerk if she could tell I was wearing one. She assured me that she wouldn’t have known. I don’t remember how the rest of the conversation went but I remember her words when she started to cry and said she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She turned around to show me her long hair and said, look at my hair. I didn’t know what to say to her, I wasn’t prepared. It seemed like the words just came, I tried to reassure her that she would be ok and hair grows back but I could just remember how scary it all is at the beginning. I could only let her know that I was ok and she would be too. What I wanted to do but knew I couldn’t was to cry with her, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing to this poor woman but I couldn’t help having some pretty scary flash backs to the last few months. She had to get to work with other customers and I wished her luck and was on my way. I will stop in again to chat with her and remember her in my prayers. I lasted at the mall for almost an hour and was happy I ventured out.

Rip Van Winkle

February 4, 2011

I bet you can almost guess what I’ve been up to, if you guessed sleeping your absolutely right! I have missed my favorite TV shows, dinners, visitors and more. No one seems to know why I am requiring so much sleep but it seems to be getting better. I started making myself get up and ride my exercise bike, it takes everything I have to peddle that bike but I just push myself. O’My, to feel normal again, but then what is normal anyway, and thank God that when I awake from my sleep I don’t have a long white beard!

Dreamer

February 2, 2011

I have had a hard time sleeping throughout the entire time that I have been in treatment, just the mixture of medicine and steroids really messed with me. Some days I was up and going at 4:00 am and had only been asleep for a few hours. I didn’t like my sleeping pattern and I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but who would have thought this would happen.

It all started on Monday this week, I started feeling better, my body fighting hard this time back from the chemo chemicals. My white blood count was slow this time, almost three weeks later and they are still very low. I think with each treatment my body had a bit of a tougher time fighting back. Not to mention I have had to deal with the blood thinners and putting the shots in my tummy every day but good news came today, when my lab test came back, the numbers are where they wanted them and the shots are no longer part of my daily tasks, Yea! No more shots!
So back to sleeping, all I have done is sleep! I can’t stay awake? I’m not sure if I’m detoxifying or if I’m finally just tired and it time to catch up on all the lost sleep. It feels really good to sleep and to finally have a clear enough mind that I have began to dream again, I hate not dreaming, it makes me feel empty. I feel like I have slept the week away but I guess if this is the road to recovery, I’ll take it.

Purse's

January 31, 2011

As I continue to fight this darn cold and I can feel a fog starting to lift, I had a long weekend pretty much alone just me and my box of Kleenex. Now that my nose is starting to dry up and my head is starting to clear from the last chemo treatment, I find myself puttering around the house more than I have in months. Funny how things have stayed just the way I left them, things like my shoes makeup and purses. I love my shoes and purses, I get teased about them but when I was not feeling well they didn’t matter much. I used to change my purse every day to match my shoes or the outfit that I was wearing, it was something I liked and was important to me.
I noticed that the same purse I had taken to surgery back in November was the same purse I had today. I’m not sure how I feel about it, in a way it was kind of freeing but then again it was like I had lost a part of who I was. I quickly cleaned out my purse and changed to a black purse that would match most everything because I still just don’t have the energy to make sure that my purse matches every day. So when I’m back to the old me maybe I will change my purse with the day and maybe some days it just won’t matter.

Baby Bald Eagle

January 30, 2011

What does a baby bald eagle have to do with anything, well let me tell you? I have been so excited about my hair growing back in, I have read every blog conversation posted that I could possible find. I may be jumping the gun from what some of the conversations have said. One of the chemo medications that I had in the beginning causes women to never have hair growth again, really. I guess this chemo treatment is one of the newer forms of chemo and these women have a whole site of women that have this problem and are trying to sue the makers. One of the ways you know your hair might not grow back is if the top of your head gets shinny. Now I’ve been busy every time I see a bald man to check out if the top of his head is shinny and guess what they are. And I don’t think they shine them on purpose, but I’m really not sure. I think it might just happen! My head is not shinny so I guess that’s a good thing.

Other sites talk about how long it took for their hair to return, some seem to take longer than others and some seem just more positive than others. I have read that your new hair will come back curly or even a different color than you had before chemo.

I’ve tried but only found a few who talk about this hair that is growing on my head right now. It would remind you of the feathers or baby fuzz on top of a baby bald eagles head, I’m not kidding. At first it was a little alarming all this fuzzy stuff growing on top of my head, what in the world would I do with this. Seems it’s just the hair follicles being confused, they don’t know what they are suppose to do and they have no pigment so they have no color and supposable this would go away.
So I purchased some really expensive shampoo and conditioner to help with hair growth and am hoping for the best. I’ll post a picture a soon as I have some hair to share!

A Cold In My Nose

January 29, 2011

If you ever have to do chemo theropy make sure to do it in the summer time or any season other than the cold and flu season. I have been careful all the way back to October when I started having surgery to stay away from anyone feeling under the weather. My family has been diligent in making sure when the kids have had even just a little sniffle they didn’t come to visit. I have pretty much become a hermit; I think I can count the times I have been out on one hand. I’ve missed out on the kid’s birthdays, family get together and church just to mention a few.

Despite all my efforts it happened anyway, I have a cold in my nose and it is so magnified.
Most of my visitors have been thoughtful and careful not to come over when they were not feeling well. When I had to start going to the lab for blood test every day because of the blood thinners, I had some concerns. The first thing I thought of was, I have to sit in this room with all these sick people waiting to get my blood work done. Not Good! I finally by chance was able to get them to let me go to the back and wait when I complained about the smell in the room. Seems when women get older they start to lose their sense of smell so, they put on lots and lots of perfume. When I walk into the room with three or four of these ladies I start to turn green and almost lose it. If you’ve ever been pregnant it’s kind of like morning sickness all day long and smells can really set me off.

I did spend some time trying to clean my bedroom today, it was actually comical. I started out on my feet sorting clothes and soon realized I could do this sitting down so I sat on the floor to finish. Buy the time I decided I was finished I was laying on the floor sorting the clothes. I think the fatigue may be holding on because of the cold in my nose!

The Pity Party

January 28, 2011

Today I can talk about my pity party, yesterday I couldn’t. I guess looking back it was kind of silly but when you don’t feel well every little thing can set the wheels in motion for a pity party. Believe me it was something so small it amasses me that the other person just couldn’t let it go.
This week alone I have spent over eight hours at the clinic, from having my picc line dressing changed to waiting to have an ultra sound to all the other stuff. Still not feeling good from the last chemo treatment, I grew more and more tired and irritable. Now I’m not one to say anything, I can usually roll with the punches but yesterday I couldn’t, I really don’t even know where it came from, out of my mouth I guess.

While being checked in to see the doctor or anything I needed to do at the infusion center I first have to go through the nurses’ station. They take your blood pressure, check your pulse and weigh you in. Now I had been there three times this week and each time I explained to them that they couldn’t take my blood pressure. When you have had lymph nodes removed you can’t have blood pressure or blood test or anything on that arm every again so that leaves them my left arm to torture. Well on this day my left arm has a blood clot and an infection so probably not a good idea. She was ok with that but insisted on weighing me, what, you just weight me yesterday, and the day before! The older nurse turned red in the face and screamed “Mary just shut up and go with the program” wow, I think she too was having a bad day. The younger nurse was embarrassed so I chose to leave it alone and got weighed.

Once the doctor confirmed that I had an infection and left the room I decided it was time for me to just cry. My sister was with me and I apologized to her for having to be the one I cried on. I explained to her that usually I have one of the kids with me and I have to be strong for them but I guess I knew it was ok to have a pity party with her as my guest.

When my appointment with the doctor was wrapping up I ask him if I had to be weighed every time I came in, he said no, it’s your right to chose not to. I explained how irritated it made me to have to get on those scales day after day. Being silly he said he would make sure to tell them I needed to be weighted twice a day, we laughed and continued our check out process. Again I found myself in the office of the check in nurse, she gives me an appointment slip and says wait, he had something on his doctors order. She reads out loud, Please weight Mary twice a day. She then knew I had said something to him, I couldn’t believe he had written that on my chart. I thought it was pretty funny, but I don’t think she did. Oh well!